Stream of Consciousness

formspring.me

2010-03-02T23:05:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Luv2sing2u84

formspring.me

2010-03-02T23:03:00.001-08:00

Are you a morning or night person?

Definitely night, always wanted to be a morning person though. I used to work nigh shift at the hospital and there was only 2 things I liked about it: I arrived to work fully awake and climbing into bed at 7:30am was so cozy. In the end, working that shift messed with my mental health. Guess I just wasn't cut out to be a vampire, but I do love to start IVs (does that count?)

Ask me anything

My sister is lost

2007-07-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

My heart is sad. Emily is once again back with Jonathan. When he broke up with her two days before leaving for Africa it was so stressful, but hopeful. It seemed permanent. Jonathan was being an obvious jerk and after many break ups over the past two years, I had confidence Emily would not go back soon.

Being in Africa was tough at first. We fought so much. But after a week, something changed. Emily changed. She became friends with Rachael Box. That was a good thing because Rachael is one of those girls who has a strong sense of self - something Emily doesn't have. By the end of the trip, Emily was dreading going back home because she didn't want to see Jonathan. She told us she wasn't going to back to him. She still wanted it to work, but would give them space and maybe later they could get back together if it worked out. We were best buds again.

When we got back she kept her distance from him. The first week she worked and we hung out. It was rough for her to see him again at church. She cried. But we all assured her it would still take time to get past it.

Two Sunday evenings ago, Jonathan requested to speak to dad. The only thing I knew came out of that conversation was that dad told Jonathan to give Emily space.

Well the next week (a couple days before he was to have oral surgery) he left two notes on our mailbox. One addressed to Emily and the other to mom and dad. The basic gist of the letters was that he wanted one more chance. He explained how he only wanted to make Emily happy and he couldn't live with out her. He said he wantd to change.

Emily began to weaken. By the end of the day, he came to pick her up for church. He wanted to go see a movie with Emily. So I had to convince Emily to not ditch her plans with the group who were going bowling that night. Later I heard her raising her voice, trying to convince Jonathan to come bowling with us.

I cried on the way to church. I felt like I had lost Emily again. Why couldn't see be strong? Why did she run back so quick? I saw them at church together. It made me sick. At the bowling alley he was caressing her hands and holding her. I wanted to scream at him and her.

Jonathan had surgery last week. And she has been with him EVERY day for at least four hours. She would go to work then go straight to the hospital and not come home until after midnight. When he was discharged home, she went to work and straight to his house and didn't get home until I was in bed. Then Wednesday night when a group of college and youth kids went to hang out, she ditched everyone and went to be with Jonathan because he was recovering. Tonight, she got off work and didn't even come home. She went straight to Jonathan's. Mom and dad were talking to her on the phone and asked when she was coming home. They weren't sure if they should tell her when to come home. When they hung up they sounded upset that she was spending all that time with her and still didn't call back and tell her a time to be home. Dad said, "Call her and tell her a time to be home. Adults don't act like that." But mom said, "If you want to tell her you need to call her and tell her." So they never set that limit. Emily is once again lost in an unhealthy relationship. She doesn't seem to be thinking of anyone else except her relationship with Jonathan. She's gone. That short stint in Africa was the last time I got to see Emily. I don't know how to stop this from hurting me. I cannot say anything to her anymore about this because she just gets mad and we fight. I have to shut her out. I can't keep hurting from this. Everyday I am reminded in her actions and words that she is lost in this unhealthy relationship where she defines happiness in Jonathan. Sometimes I wish I had the money to move out so I won't have to see it anymore.

WOW!

2007-05-23T14:27:00.001-07:00

It's been a very long time since I posted on here. Well, let me describe where my life is right now:

I graduated May 8, 2007 from Shelton State Community College with my Associates Degree in Nursing (RN). I currently work at DCH Regional Medical Center as a nursing assistant. I leave May 29, 2007 for Tanzania, Africa to help win souls to Christ! I will return June 14. Then I will take the NCLEX and finally be a Registered Nurse! I start working full-time at DCH as an RN July 10, 2007. On of my best friends is moving to St. Louis, MO for graduate school. I still live with my parents and am looking to move out by the end of the year. I am (still) single. As I get my financial situation more predictable, I plan to lose weight and maybe this will help me in the love department. I am happy and excited about life!

Visit my Myspace (www.myspace.com/luv2sing2u84)

Crap Entry

2006-07-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

I feel like writing. Not sure exactly about what. I guess I could go into the little situation that upset me a little last night. I'm afraid it would be silly to rehash that. Getting school work done is something I don't like to do. Still need to study anyways. Don't like the way this shirt looks on me. Did it shrink or did I get bigger? When will i get moving? Tired of being fat. The new job is a source of stress. As I go up the elevator, I try to shed the trepidation I usually feel for clinicals. This is a job. I still have to do the job right, but the only person who will make the experience uncomfortable is me. The nurse manager, the RNs, the LPNs, the other PCAs aren't measuring me as an instructor would. Yeah, giving a bath is difficult, but I can learn. Next time volunteer to do it instead of watching. Remember: merit-based! Sierra has been doing exactly what I wanted in someone to keep me accountable. She constantly reminds me of November when I weigh to see if I have lost 10lbs. But I have more than 10lbs to lose to be at 120lbs. I avoid the scale - knowing. Why do I sabotage myself?! I mean if I could just get on the freaking scale at least once a week I would be more aware and focused on developing healthy habits! But I always tell myself that I will have plenty of time to lose it before weigh time! Grr. Whatever. I probably won't achieve the goal just like all the other goals I never reached. I am a broken record.

Not knowing

2006-06-28T20:23:00.000-07:00

What a day. My two best friends are dealing with something that they cannot share with me. It still hurts when I think about it. First, anger because I didn't understand. I still don't fully. It only seemed like they were keeping it from me because of technicalities. But I see now its more of a matter of confidentiality. I still want to know. Second, pain because I i was left out. As immature and childish as it sounds - Erin isn't included. These two people normally tell me everything. It felt betrayed that they would have their conversation away from me in private so that I would stay uninvolved. I am still not entirely accepting this. Mustering up maturity. I know they want to tell me but cannot. They aren't keeping it from me because they want to. I thought our relationship superseded this because our friendship and relationship in Christ meant that we are family - an extension of each other. At least that's how I feel. Mustering up maturity. But I understand sometimes things just cannot be shared even with our loved ones. This is hard to accept. I want to know what is going on in the lives of the ones I love. In and out of the day the shades and shadows of The Situation undulate in my perception. What I don't know and what they know and what it could be. My feelings swell and stretch. I see from greater heights. But it hurts. Will I ever know? Is it important that I know? Mustering up maturity. But what I know is that they need prayers and my support. They are only doing what is right and I admire them somewhat for that. So, let me attempt to assign it to the "Not So Important" box. Let me forget for a while so I can address what is of greater importance - those I love themselves not what they know and cannot share.

When It Falls

2006-06-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

a general overtone clouds most of my thoughts day in and day out it is one of covering the real person I am the intense criticism of others, ulterior motives, poor attitude, very lazy approach to life i even try to hide from myself but i can't all the time if they only knew they wouldn't think the same way about me me me me that truly is what i care about "the best heart of anyone i know" he said well, he would never say that about me but i could stage it so he might think that and view me as something special to love perhaps he and others really see right through it and know i'm a huge faker if i was really concerned about following the Truth it would show differently nothing would need to be broadcasted or thoroughly explained you would just know but you don't unless i tell you oh i won't tell you right out but i will orchestrate events and dialogue to convey that idea about me to you so that when i walk away i know that you think highly of me perhaps set me higher than others so that one day when i die you will be among hundreds who will mourn my passing and my oh so blinding caring compassionate honest heart thats what i want you to say but even i begin to see right through my hallow motives you see i have to convince myself that i am better than i am so that i can portray that to you so that when you leave my sweet presence you will think of me and cherish me so that i am not alone someone else is with me thinking about me instead of me being alone thinking of all the others who really are great wonderful people and carry a true christ-like spirit that i long to genuinely carry let me give you a tip so you can see even better right through the lie i will talk your ear off most of the time its all about me but if its not don't be fooled i may just like to hear the sound of my voice and the persuasiveness of my arguments because i want to fill your mind of the greatness of me me me me i don't deserve the love of "the best heart" or of the speaker of those words

but when i am faced with this somewhere deep inside without being able to be fully expressed i see that who i am isn't all this but deserving of love because i am actually normal i'm not alone my pride my selfishnes my critical attitude my laziness my cruelty my self-absorption my pride my my my humanism is buried deep inside but i want to know that i'm ok with all these faults so i talk and talk and think and think and want you to see me in a certain light for if you saw all this you would want nothing to do with just as i often feel my fear is to be faced with myself in you so im not preying on your good heart attitude and motives i just need it to balance the awfulness that lives deep inside of me

this very entry is a perfect example just a new approach total honesty i can't escape it everything i do seems to have some forethought involved to illicit a desired action from another did it work? you must be thinking about me and wondering the true contents of my heart coupled with admiration for my eloquent description of my thoughts you must not want me to believe all this about me it worked and so i have failed myself again i wish i could lay down everything without it tinging on something ulterior a desired response maybe the fact that i am writing to someone else is the very problem i should be writing to me and face myself instead of
always anticipating an audience how disgusting once again

oh how awful hell must be

Dear Brandon

2006-06-11T19:33:00.000-07:00

I have decided to listen to each of your songs and email you a critique. Sound good? It won't be in depth or anything, but it will help me to systematically listen and review your music. I think part of the reason we create art (whether that be music, acting, writing, painting, etc) is to reach out to others. We want people to experience our art because it is a reflection of who we are. We want people to experience us. To showcase our art is to say, "This is who I am. Let me share myself with you." I appreciate your honesty in your music and in your personality. You don't hold yourself back. Sometimes I find myself afraid to be totally me. I fear being too different. I think when people first encounter the B-Rizzle they are initially afraid because you are totally and completely you and aren't afraid of breaking the norm. And when people are confronted with this type of bold honesty they initially fight against it because it challenges them to also break out of the mold. I have to admit, this is how I initially responded to you. But I'm glad you didn't let it faze (sp?) you. I appreciate your friendship. I always find myself feeling more comfortable (part of the reason I initially fight against it) with the "weird" or "not-normals" because I feel I am weird and not normal myself! (Perhaps that is why people are intimidated by the odd-balls because some people are too cowardly to realize the odd-ball in themselves!) I'm not sure where this email is going. I just want you to know that you are a good friend and I look forward to becoming better friends. This turned out to be a quite a philosphic letter. I like it! I want to work on more of those crypic crosswords, but I would have to start on the VERY easy level to get my mind moving. I'm afraid that nursing school has turned my brain into a nursing ooze. But soon your brain will turn into a law school ooze. That ought to be fun! I like Soduko. But not the ones generated by the computer. The ones that are hand made have a component that the computer generated ones lack. A computer can't anticipate your logic. The hand-made ones are made almost knowing or sensing what your thinking and that is poses a fantastic challenge! Oh, when school starts if you EVER need study partner please give me a call. I don't like to study a lot by myself. Its so lonely. Just (quietly) being the presence of a few others will lift my spirit enough to create a good study mood. It seems I have a lot on my mind tonight. I haven't written in my blog in a while. Perhaps, I will post this email on there. http://luv2sing2u84.blogspot.com You have a good night. I'll call you tomorrow. I do have to study but I wouldn't be opposed to watching a movie, going to a used bookstore, going to the batting cages, or whatever. Night. Night.

--
Erin N. Giles, RN Student
www.searchingfortruth.com

80 lbs in 4 years

2006-05-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

When I graduated high school in June of 2002 I was at my lowest weight. I'm not even sure what that number was but I think it was around 160. It is now May 2006. Four years have passed and I now weigh 230! Aah! Eek! That was 70 lbs and 4 years ago. I figure if it took that long to put it all on it might as well take that long to take if off. I think when we get in gear to lose weight we want it off now. But it simply doesn't work that way. I've planned on losing the weight when nursing school is over, but why wait? I can choose to stay at my current weight or work to put a dent in the planned 80 lb loss - even if its 10 or 20 lbs. Its something! Progress is progress. So I set a goal:

I will lose 10 lbs every 6 months until I reach 150 lbs by adjusting my diet, eating habits, exercising habits, and routine.

Ten pounds every six months will put me at June 2010 when I reach 150 pounds. Funny, that's 4 years from now! The same amount of time it took me to gain the weight I want to lose. I know a four year weight loss plan sounds kinda crazy, but its small enough to get me moving and big enough to make a real difference. Here are my 6 month deadlines. Please, if you keep up with this blog, look at these deadlines and keep me accountable. Encourage me. Push me! Planning is the fun part. Executing is the hard part!

May '06 - Nov '06: 10 lbs (220lbs)
Jan '07 - Jun '07: 10 lbs (210lbs)
July '07 - Dec '07: 10lbs (200lbs)
Jan '08 - Jun '08: 10lbs (190lbs)
July '08 - Dec '08: 10lbs (180lbs)
Jan '09 - Jun '09: 10lbs (170lbs)
July '09 - Dec '09: 10lbs (160lbs)
Jan '10 - Jun '10: 10lbs (150lbs)

Personal Problems

2006-04-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

There is something wrong. I tend to want to jump ahead and place the blame on the person who provokes the feelings that begin to stir inside and the subsequent actions. A wall is building. I can tear it down if I can just lower my pride and stubbornness. But its not that simple. Something to do with depression. Because that nasty stirring is the same. My insecurity. I approach every word that comes out of her mouth as a test: I have to defend everything. Nothing is a joke. I must end up on top and be superior. WHY? Perhaps it has something to do with our personality differences. Or I recognize that she is a better person than me. She is unselfish, tenderhearted, sensitive, uncritical, avid bible student, and eager to evangelize. All qualities that I lack or are underdeveloped. Do I feel threatened by her? I know I'm hurting her with my tone, smart remarks, and shortness. A good friend would cherish these qualities about her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. But I don't. I find a spot that I'm on top of and belittle her and make sure I'm better. How horrible. But here's the worst part. I don't know how to stop. I react out of pain or a perceived threat. Its a habit. Then when I see her getting along better with people close to me that I may have some problems getting along with I feel jealous and completely walled off from having positive interactions with her or anyone I have problems getting along with. I feel even more that there is something wrong with me or the situation. And when I'm realizing all this I act worse because it hurts that my personality and/or habits are sabotaging my relationships. And more than ever at this time I can't see my way out of the messes I create. Sometimes I really don't like myself and wonder who or what I've become.

Sycamore Spartans

2006-04-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hail the Sycamore Spartans, Hail the stout and the brave
Like Spartans of old , The Black and the Gold
Carry to Victory the Flag we Wave
Stand for her Honor, Fight for her Fame
Let the Echoes Roar for Sycamore
And the Glory of the Spartan name

(da daa da daa da) Rah Syco High
(da daa da daa da) Rah Syco High

Hail the Sycamore Spartans, Hail the stout and the brave
Like Spartans of old , The Black and the Gold
Carry to Victory the Flag we Wave
Stand for her Honor, Fight for her Fame
Let the Echoes Roar for Sycamore
And the Glory of the Spartan na-a-ame!

Dear Michelle

2006-03-21T12:34:00.000-08:00

My sister is selfish. Yes, we all are to an extent, but many times it is so blatant. There is no attempt to try to care more for others. I know she has a good heart and she does care about others, but her actions and her words say otherwise. Its in the little things. Does she have any concern for anyone when she neglects to save some hot water after countless times reminding her to save some, to not play her music too loud when I'm going to bed and once again I've got to tell her to turn it down, and when I ask her to do me a favor and she forgets again. Over time these things, among others, add up. And then you wonder where it happened. When a small thoughtless action became big enough to make you worry. Then its in the big stuff. The way she reacts to people. She challenges people with her smart, mostly impolite, mouth and stubborn attitude. She doesn't stop and think, "You know maybe I shouldn't say the first thing that pops up in my mind because every other time people don't like it and ask me to stop." She jumps all up on me when she senses an attitude in my voice when I respond to hers. But when confronting her about her attitude she can't possibly understand why there could be any fault with her. Then when you say something she doesn't like she says the most rudest thing. For instance she'll "Sshh" me when in midsentence and occasionally say some very unchristian like words. I know most of this must be with age. And I know a good part of it has to do with mom and dad and the way they've raised her. But the biggest part is her. She can control it. At some point the changes I made to act like Christ came when I realized that I wasn't. Not through my parents, but just watching reactions and wanting to be better. And then that brings me to another problem - Emily being a Christian. She thinks she is because she goes to church and was baptized. I know she prays at night and maybe even during the day. But I seriously wonder sometimes about her future about getting serious about being a Christian. To be more concerned with living for God than herself. Maybe I just don't convey this enough. Maybe I live in my head too much and don't verbalize things that I should. I know mom and dad do to an extent but its hard to hear them because their actions are just too loud. We've both sort of lost some respect for out dad over the years and its hard to listen to him (there's a long vague story behind this one). So I began to realize that I am her loudest example. Its up to me to make sure that she really understands the daily love and sacrifice that goes into being a real Christian. Emily and I both graduate next year. Its my plan to have her move in with me. I want to create a less oppressive and happy environment for her and show her how to live differently. Live for Christ both in thought and in action. When I hung out with Kelsey Saturday night and Sunday morning I saw a HUGE gap between her and Emily. I do understand that Kelsey is more mature and more focused on Christ than Emily, but I chalk that up to parenting and personality. Both things I can't touch. But it still hurts because Emily is missing out on so much. I can tell that Emily thinks Kelsey is the one who lacks something because she is more of a homebody who wears dresses every Sunday and is quiet. Emily misses life when she escapes into the internet for hours and begins to invest herself in the world and its problems (not drinking, smoking, sex, etc - more being self-involved and generally caring for things of the world which we all do to an extent). I don't know what to do anymore. Dad just likes to yell and demand things instead of working with her. And usually I'm busy with school or avoiding her because its hurts to see and watch her live her life the way she does. Here I am making her out to be some kind of miserable spawn of satan. She isn't. She has a good heart. But all her complications and struggles remind me when I was her age. Of course all through high school I was depressed and finally got treated when I left home. I worry about that with Emily, but mom and dad think I'm pushing my problems on her because I see some tendencies. Depression runs in our family. Maybe she doesn't have any problems with depression and it is all just teen angst and her misaligned priorities. Maybe. Maybe not. But I find myself in this situation time and time again. Stuck. Not knowing how to address the problem so she'll listen. Not knowing how to help her change or be more balanced. Not knowing how to break out of my old habits to help her out of hers. So when things are going well, I forget these things exist. And when they do surface I spend more time avoiding it hoping it will go away. That's all

Spring Break: Day 1

2006-03-20T14:09:00.000-08:00

Woke up around 8am as the Wheat's Carpet One boys came in and got to work. Went downstairs, ate breakfast, and watched disc 2 of season 1 of One Tree Hill. Dad and I managed through it. Definitely getting better. Took a shower and got ready for work. As soon as I parked, the rain came down harder. I looked for my umbrella and couldn't find it. So I ran for it. Panting and dripping wet, I began to get to work. The ceiling is starting to leak. Of course its right next to the cash register. Kat and I managed to collect most of it in the plastic trash can, the plastic cup holder, the metal trash can (that started leaking), and the cooler. As soon as I finish folding, sizing, and putting away the football t-shirts, I'm going to start reading chapter 36 in my good ole Med/Surg book. Tonight, I'm gonna finish laundry and try to fix Emily's tv/stereo combo so I can watch OTH up there. I'm finding myself thinking about OTH and what's going to happen next. I didn't think I was going to get hooked. But I guess I am. Kerri would be proud!

Lonely in Tuscaloosa

2006-02-13T15:58:00.000-08:00

As Valentine's day approaches my singledom has become more apparent to me. I've always thought, "I'd rather be single for the rest of my life rather than settle." I'm a happy single person (most of the time). But when I started to see someone as someone I could be with, then being happy and single was more difficult to manage. Nights became lonely. Days filled with thoughts of him. But what makes this complicated for me is that right now he isn't in a position to date. And no, I'm not talking about a married man. I've become paralyzed with fear when I'm around him for fear of coming across as obsessed. So it begins to hurt because I'm holding back and (from what I can gather) he is possibly holding back. So then I begin to reason with myself about holding out for something that isn't there. I don't want to waste my life waiting and agonizing over something that may never be - all the while, missing out on something real that could come along. Whatever the case, Valentine's day is around the corner and more than ever I feel alone and missing and wanting real love that I can hang my heart on.

Facebook Messages

2006-01-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

Shauntel: You're so beautiful.

Erin: Thank-you Shauntel. You don't know how much I appreciate that comment. All I can say is Thank-You. That simple statement has the power to make me perceive myself as being more than I think I am. (I hope that makes sense)

Shauntel: It does make sense. It breaks my heart a little bit that you arent able to see how beautiful you really are. You are blessed with both superficial beauty but more importantly you are just beaming with love from the inside. That alone makes you one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Honestly. PS. Did I ever tell you that I was going through some old Belgium stuff when I came across a letter from you (addressed Shauntel Bruner Perez by the by :D ) where you wrote about how I was the sunlight in your life and you didnt know what you would do without that sunlight for a year...It made me cry. I now keep it next to my bed in my drawer for those sad days. Not many people appreciated me the way you did. For that I cannot thank you enough. I still love you to this day. I hope you know that.

New Jeans & Nerves

2006-01-07T07:47:00.000-08:00

They're too long. When I tried them on I knew they were, but thought that with tennis shoes it would be fine. Nope. These jeans are the nicer jeans at the Fat Lady Store and were half off. I bought two pairs. So if I get them hemmed will they still look like flares or just plain funky? Either way, I'm upset about it because I was going to wear one of them tonight on my "date." And just thinking about that -- I am so nervous. Not just anxious, but nervous as well. I feel like there has to be more than friendship between us. So if he walks in and we sit down and the chemistry isn't there I'll get anxious because I'll force it to work in my mind. And that triggers a nice OCD episode of trying to convince myself of something that I will continually doubt. Ok. I haven't even met him yet. I want to go in there ready to make a great friend. And if there is something more -- then WONDERFUL. But if not then I need to accept it, tell him, and not dwell on it. Why does my mind have to be so complicated?

Derrick McKey

2006-01-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

Sitting at work (again). A super tall guy comes in. I wonder if he plays basketball. He asks a couple questions - like where are the kids sweaters? - where are the big sweatshirts?. So they check out and buy a modest amount of merchandise. He payed with a credit card - so as soon as he left we (me and Katelin) look at the receipt for his name. Doesn't sound familiar. Google! First hit is from NBA.com. We squeel! That's him. He went to Alabama in 88! Oh my goodness. There he goes....(as he drives away in his very nice car). Wow, that's worth blogging about.

- born in Merdian, MS (where I lived for 5 years)
- 6'10"
- graduated from UA in 1988
- played for Sonics, L.A. Lakers, Pacers, Detroit Pistons,

Broken Toe?

2006-01-04T08:19:00.000-08:00

My sister called from downstairs to tell me that my phone was ringing and it was Amanda. I was expecting her call, so I jumped up from the couch in a hurry and ran towards the stairs. On the way I majorily "stubbed" my pinky toe somewhere on dad's armchair. "Aah!" I screamed. In total pain, I choked out to Emily, "Just tell her I'll call her later." I proceeded to pace and gasp and cry out. Dad says, "Are you all right?" I snap back, "YES I'M FINE." Finally the horrible stub toe pain goes away and another pain hits. I finally sit down, catching my breath, and call Amanda. She giggles when I tell her and dad puts a cold papertowel soaked in water on my toe. My heart was still racing.

I'm Gonna Be on TV

2006-01-03T13:57:00.000-08:00

This guy from WVUA came in asking if he could film us and the store about the Cotton Bowl Score shirts. I went first. He put on a little microphone and turned on the camera and asked me questions. I was nervous for some reason. I guess because there is nothing really to know about ordering shirts. "We ordered them today and they should be in at the end of the week." The Katelin went and she had more to say and wasn't nervous and much cuter so she was the star! Then he talked to some customers and filmed Katelin talking to them and me checking them out. I know its only our local tv station, but its kinda cool!

Funky Town

2005-12-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

I've been avoiding studying for finals. And it hangs over my head. My acts of laziness and procrastination ignited a funk. Because now I feel out of control. I can think of many things that need immediate attention: schoolwork, messy room, messy car, checkbook register, and other odds and ends. But something paralyzes me. And in my "inability" to do these things which would make me feel more clear headed, organized, and peaceful, I fool myself into thinking I am escaping. But I know I'm not. Anxiety builds. Then I see a fellow nursing student who seems to have it all together. I know she doesn't, in a general sense, but she is more together than me. I know. My lazy, overweight, irresponsible, messy, nasty self is magnified. And I sit paralyzed, escaping, comparing, depressing.

Time ticks. Three finals. Stupid me.

Meaningful Quiz #26

2005-12-16T11:41:00.000-08:00

You're a poetic intellectual.

What Sort of Intellectual Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Condi visits T-Town

2005-10-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Article in NY Times
Transcript

Money, Debt, Credit -- HASSLE

2005-10-15T14:43:00.000-07:00

I am going to start banking with Wachovia. SouthTrust is switching over to Wachovia and they have a lot more locations around the country than AmSouth. Its time for a change. And with this change my goal is to keep my checkbook balanced and reconciled. My financial habits are not so great. The Federal Trade Commision has a website discussing a consumer's access to free credit reports. So I got mine and decided to spend $6 for my credit score. I need to seriously improve my score and report! There is one thing on there that was due to a change in my parent's insurance and the hospital. I need to look into getting that taken off.

TransUnion's True Credit Learning Center is an excellent site!

Aspiring Young Musician

2005-10-13T20:09:00.000-07:00

Andra Stapleton plays the piano beautifully. Her passion is music -- without a doubt. She's made a lot of sacrifices to get recording time in the studio and have opportunities to make her and her music known.

Well, she's run into a little problem. Her piano will be repossessed in 30 days if she doesn't come up with $4500 -- the last payment of her Yamaha Clavinova. Finances can be shaky for someone to get some college credit, work, and realize her musical dreams. And with minimal credit and shaky family bonds due to stress and the death of her father, is there any wonder that sometimes ends just don't meet?

Here's where you come in. Donate your plasma and donate the proceeds to Andra. You can use the "Donate" button on the right column. She will be selling some items on ebay. Click the "Ebay" button on the right column to check it out. Or just donate money. $1, $25, $100 -- whatever. It all adds up.

I know there are a lot of scams out there. But read my blog, look at my profile, check out her journal. Email either of us and we will be happy to talk to you and give you more information.

UPDATE: GOAL MET!

Long time no blog

2005-10-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

I'm at work. I'm pretty sure Dave Jr. is reading this. Oh well.

I found the best sweatshirt! Here's where I would promote our store, but we don't sell it online. Its a black hoody by J. America. On the front it says Alabama in crimson on a light tan background. Underneath that is a crimson football with the same light tan highlights with the "A" logo. I want to get it for the Mississippi state game.

I've been slacking off. I am an over achiever at heart but when it comes down to it a huge slacker who only does enough to get by. That's why my GPA is a 3.2, I didn't get into nursing school at UA, my finances are a wreck, and my room and car is a perpetual mess. But day to day as I challenge my slothfulness, I will slowly continue to help my habits evolve and reflect my self-actualized self.

SUCCESS!

2005-10-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Brad Campbell and Jen Wahlers for their contributions.
I purchased Microsoft Publisher today for $88.98
They will receive a copy of the newsletters I will be making!

I Need Your Help!

2005-10-04T09:59:00.000-07:00

I was recently voted Newsletter Editor for the Alabama Association of Nursing Students. Along with that I was voted Reporter for the Shelton State Association of Nursing Students. I've been talking to my advisor and we really want to win the newsletter contest on the national level. We don't have enough funds to mail out these newsletters so I am going to find a sponsor. But to make a killer newsletter I am going to need some decent software. I was thinking Microsoft Publisher. I'm not going to ask either chapter (local or state) for money to foot this bill so we can pay for nursing students to go to the national conference in November.

Here is where I need your help. On the side bar of this blog you will notice a button that says "Make a Donation." I urge you to please donate any amount of money. My goal is to raise $75. I can find various deals online and get a little help from my parents. If you need any verification as to the legitimacy of this little fundraiser I would be glad to get in touch with you.

This fundraiser will end: October 12, 2005

Shelton State Community College
Alabama Association of Nursing Students
National Student Nurse Association

Musings

2005-09-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

Its been over 3 years since high school. It has certainly felt longer than that. But 3 years is a relatively short amount of time. Overcoming and moving past the confusion and pain of establishing or discovering our identities can certainly make 3 years seem longer. But the main thing I can pinpoint as the source of almost all of my pain during those crazy four years in high school was depression. I have a feeling that if this problem hadn't been addressed as soon as it was that my self-security wouldn't be as strong. I remember how I used to get so anxious about what other's thought of me - as if their opinion was part of the whole definition of me. But I've learned that the only person who really knows me is me. And its up to me to obtain and maintain happiness. It is so easy to give people too much power over us. Of course it is necessary to maintain a healthy balance with our close friends, family, and peers; but, there is certainly a line that needs to be clearly marked. If we give someone the power to send us in anxious turmoil and serious doubt and marked unhappiness when nothing productive can come out of it then we lose a sense of ourselves. I struggle now to clearly describe this line. Because sometimes we need a reality check and when this can improve our life then it is welcomed. So it takes a conscious effort to property delegate power over our conscious to other people. Take for example the last two notes in my LJ. At first I became anxious, defensive, and angered at ignorance. But then I realized that I didn't have to prove to anyone who I really was. But a part of me still wanted to defend. After I left my note I made a conscious decision to leave the inconsiderate judgments of old high school peers back in high school where they belong. I realized that having an LJ argument was the first indication that all words exchanged were directly reminiscent of those insecure high school days. Regression. I'm not sure why I'm having all these deep complex thoughts. Various musings during the day add up at night when I am constantly faced with the harsh realities of adolescence as they come crying through Emily's door. Literally. I can't wait for her to get it over and done with.

Sunday Tornadic Sunday

2005-09-26T08:51:00.000-07:00

Saturday. Late evening. My cell phone rings. Its Rick. Odd, he never calls anymore. I happily answered. That disappeared as I realized he was calling because he needed something. I didn't try very hard to make conversation. He finally got to it. Something wrong with his battery. It may not start in the morning. Could I come pick him up for church. He added a nice touch when he informed me that he had already called and asked Micah. I immediately thought of my half tank of gas that would have to last the rest of the week and the trouble it would be to arrange something with my sister and/or parents. I agreed (not joyously, nor reluctantly) to pick him up for church. That night Emily and I decided that we would take her car. But since she and youth group would be going somewhere after church I would take Rick home right after church and have my parents wait for me at the church building. I would drop Emily's car off and hop in the car with my parents. But there were complications with that. What time would the youth group leave? Rick would want to stay after and chat for a little bit after church. Mom and dad wouldn't wait for me to come back. Frustrated with my family for not trying to work with me, I decide to take my car. The thought of three of our vehicles driving to the same place and wasting gas frustrated me. Saturday, payday, 6 days a way, loomed far ahead in the week. 8:20am I leave the house. I clean the passenger area and start looking forward to our conversation on the way to church. But I am a little frustrated that the only time Rick solicits my time or attention is when he needs something. I try to push that away. I arrive and call him. He walks out of his apartment with a toothbrush in his mouth. Patiently I wait. Five minutes later he walks to my car and opens it. He then informs me that his car started and he should keep his car running to charge the battery so he'll just drive to church. Angered I say, "Rick! Why didn't you call me?" He says, "I just did it!" as he lifts his eyebrows in defense and gestures to his car. I say, "Fine." He closes the door and I drive off. On the way to church I check the rear view mirror to make sure he got the car going. He did. Anger begins to boil. The heat comes from all his self-centered behavior that hurts my feelings and infuriates me. In the church parking lot I immediately locate Amanda and quickly rehash the events. Her first response was, "Ugh, why didn't he call?!" As we approach the door we notice Rick talking to dad. I couldn't help but smirk. He genuinely thanked me and said that he might need me after church to drive him home if his car doesn't start. I don't remember exactly what I said but I barely met his eyes and quickly walked away. I suspected that he would be getting Micah to help him out after church. After service I walk up to him and ask, "Did your car start?" He says, "Uh. Don't worry about it. Micah's going to help me out." He barely finished his sentence when I did a Micah gesture and walked away.

I feel bad for acting like a witchy nagging woman. Especially that yesterday (when all this went down) was his birthday. Now I doubt he will make any effort to upkeep any sort of friendship especially when he probably doesn't understand why I reacted the way I did. I mean before we were on good terms and he told me he loved me (not that that would detract from any Rick-centered behavior). And I am certainly not going to knock on his door and expend the effort to mend anything. He doesn't. And he can enjoy life making out with his "friend" and disappointing his "close" Christian friends.

I can't help but feel like Cristeta Moreruela towards Don Juan when she turned the tables.
Maybe one day...

Blah

2005-09-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

I got my chest X-ray done for the positive TB skin test. I will get the results next Wednesday. Stopped by Rick's for a few minutes. Went home took a two hour nap. Went to class (pharmacology). Got my oil changed. Fed my facebook addiction. Need to study sometime tonight. I have a test tomorrow in Health Assessment. Not sure if I'm going to the TCSM coffee thing. My head hurts. I feel out of it and unable to study. Tomorrow I am going to campaign for the office of reporter. Hopefully mom and I can go to the dollar store and she can help me type up a cute creative "report" announcing my candidacy.

That's More Like It

2005-09-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

Find Your Spot
1. Eugene, Oregon
2. Salisbury, Maryland
3. Corvallis, Oregon
4. Williamstown, Massachusetts
5. Fayetville, Arkansas
6. Northampton, Massachusetts
7. Milwauki, Oregon
8. Charleston, West Virginia
9. Middlebury, Vermont
10. Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts
11. Danbury, Connecticut
12. Burlington, Vermont
13. Frederick, Maryland
14. San Bernardino, California
15. Morgantown, West Virginia
16. Hot Springs-Hot Springs Villiage, Arkansas
17. Johnson, Vermont
18. Alexandria, Louisianna
19. Brattleboro, Vermont
20. Portland, Oregon
21. Amherst, Massachusetts
22. Salem, Oregon
23. Shreveport-Bossier City, Louisianna
24. Albuquerque, New Mexico

Dear Rick

2005-09-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

I was thinking. (uh oh...)

Looking at your photo album. Your years at Freed and your loves. First, it unburies that regret, that pain from my semester at Freed. Despite that anxiety and depression ruined my first semester of college, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed. Now, don't get me wrong. Moving to Alabama was an answer to many of my prayers. But still sometimes I wonder. And when I hear about your time at Freed or Bethany talks to me -- sometimes I wish I could go back and just see. Its like I missed out on something.

Now, when we flipped to Sarah's picture with you and the kids and you told me what one of her children said, "Will you marry mommy so you can be my daddy?" I just want to let you know that the pain in your eyes really stuck with me. I saw it once when we were talking about Joy. And I couldn't forget it. I really don't know what the purpose of this email is. Maybe just to let you know that when I see that you hurt it -- hurts me. I'm used to empathizing and sympathizing, but this was different. I found myself praying as I drove home that God would provide someone for you. It would be a horrible waste if you didn't get to spend the rest of your life with someone and share the intense love and passion that lives in your heart. I thought about all the people you impacted (mainly girls) with your love. And I felt privileged that I've had a chance to love you. And I feel like you deserve an apology. I haven't been treating you very nice lately. I guess its a part of me moving on -- feeling bitter -- but that's hardly an excuse. Its hard to accept things that don't seem fair. But hearing about your time in college and the years after to the present helped me to realize more than ever that I do have so much time (Lord willing). That if something doesn't work out right now the way I want it, doesn't mean that as time goes by and new people come into my life that I will not get to experience and give the intense love and passion that lives in my heart.

A couple years ago an older fellow fell in love with me. But I didn't return it. But his friendship was something that I fell on a lot at Freed and getting better in Alabama. I remember one day he really needed to talk to me. I knew what it was. He was going to tell me he loved me. But one thing he said to me I found myself recalling and applying to you. He said, "It will be a privilege to be able to be in heaven with you." I understood this, but not to the extent as I do now. See there are great things ahead. One day there won't be marrying or marriage in heaven and none of this falling in love with each other business. I smile to think that me, you, and some of those girls you fell in love with can be in heaven together with our Lord and be so happy. Rick, let's get to heaven.

Love,
Erin

Pizza's Ready!

2005-09-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Test Scores
Fundamentals of Nursing (Test 1): 88
Pharmacology (Test 1): 83.67

I think I am going to test positive for the TB Skin Test. This means I will have to get a chest x-ray. I called Rick to see when would be a good time to cut his hair today. He said he cut it himself. I said, "Rick!...Bye" and hung up on him. I was sorta playing around and thought he would call back. He didn't. Wow. He is self-centered and not worth my time (but I still love him). I want to run for an office in the Shelton State Association of Nursing Students (SSANS). My goal is to be president of SSANS and hold some office in the the Alabama Association of Nursing Students (AANS).

Reunion

2005-09-13T15:34:00.000-07:00

I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Its hard to tell how I did on the test. I would say average. Went to bed around 10am and woke up around 4pm. I love naps during the day on that couch all cuddled up in the knit blanket. Cancelled the hair cut for Rick, the study session with JD, and the food delivery with Amanda and Brooke. Still got the game at 9:15. My priorities are so in line. All the things that involved serving others I cancelled. I got back in touch with Shauntel Bruner! Our freshman year of high school we were best buds. "Blame It on the Weather Man" by B*Witched was our song. I remember at the homecoming football game (after putting tattoos on our face and her mom French braiding our hair) how she was upset about Evelyn and Neal. We left our seats and leaned against the fence around the field. She was upset and crying. I put my arm around her and sang the song in her ear. She went to Belgium the next year as a foreign exchange student. When she got back she was different. Not bad different, but more confident and sure of herself. In between Andra, depression, OCD, and Brad we managed to remain friends. Not as close as before. After graduation up until now I have continued to remember her. It seemed she fell off the face of the earth. Thank goodness for The Facebook. I am now back in contact with a friend who helped shape my past and influenced who I am today.

Finally left the Naughty Donkey

2005-09-12T21:15:00.000-07:00

Test in Fundamentals went surprisingly well. I hope I’m not overshooting my confidence. I will find out Wednesday the results. Tomorrow morning at 8am I have a Pharmacology test. Then sometime tomorrow I am cutting Rick’s hair, helping JD with statistics, delivering food to people who moved here from Louisiana, and playing a softball game at 9:15pm. I have a lot of studying to do tonight. Started the coffee and took some Ritalin.

ERI World

2005-09-08T13:38:00.000-07:00

I'm already burnt out. So much studying. I have two big tests next Monday and Tuesday. I have a feeling we are all going to be slammed by Williams.
I bought an interesting book today at Friends of the Library. It is entitled, The Hug Therapy Book" written by Kathleen Keating. I am now a "certified hug therapist." I have another long weekend ahead of me. Now that the frenzy of Katrina has simmered a bit we should expect a larger football crowd. Friday I work from 4-10 and Saturday 8-6:30 then maybe a couple hours after the game. At least the money will be good. I could really use it now.

3 Hours of Labor

2005-09-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

I woke up 2pm. The day was gone and all I had time to do was eat and get ready for work. No studying. No spending time with Grandma. Devotional at 8pm. Small group of us, lead by Rick. I like our new POS terminals. Thank goodness for the wireless internet or I would think differently. I have my first test next Monday. Fundamentals of Nursing (6 credit hour course). If I pass the test Jenn is going to embroidery my green nursing bag. Don't want to put anything in stone (or cloth)!

Frazzled

2005-09-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

I am so unorganized. I can't even think straight. I just spent $39 to put 13 gallons in my 15 gallon tank. I have barely $20 for the rest of the month. My car and room is a mess. Several things are due tomorrow that I forgot about. I can't log on to my class online and there is something due this week. Still need shots. Got to remember to turn in all the syllabi. There is a softball game tonight at 9:15 that a lot of people want me to play in. I haven't even opened my pharmacology book. I could go on. Just popped a Ritalin.

Letting Go

2005-08-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

I don't want to romanticize it and relish in the pain. I actually feel optimistic. Maybe only because we talked. Its imperative that I move on. Although, hope is something that naturally lives in my heart and takes quite some time to leave, living on the hope is another matter. This has to be my objective -- to not live on the hope that we will one day be together. I will miss out on a blessed friendship if I don't move on. The days have been better. Not really depressed. Just missing him. But I can get distracted and get my mind away. I am getting better at not indulging in the fantasies of my heart.

But I still think he's stupid.

Katrina on her way!

2005-08-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

Rick owns a book called "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene. He always recommended it to me. Micah was at first intrigued with it but then decided it was a horrible book because of the mind games it encouraged the seducer to engage in to break down a person. Well, I picked it up the other day and started reading it. Even if Rick didn't intentionally "seduce" me he still left me vulnerable to his actions and words. I think it is safe to say that he wants a challenge. After all his talk about "nice" guys or girls not getting the girl or guy and them making it too easy, I think I know what I need to do.

Sunday Afternoon

2005-08-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

I know that I can get over him. I know there are other guys out there that will catch my fancy the way that he did. But I don't want anyone else. Even if another person is better. I know this must sound like irrationality due to a broken heart, but I can't honestly remember feeling that way before. With Brad I just wanted the pain to go away. I always held onto hope that it would work somewhere down the line, but I knew there had to be better. When it ended with Jerry I was more assured that I would find someone that would be right for me. I guess because after Brad I hadn't found anyone that I truly liked and wanted to be with. And Jerry's presence in my life for that month gave me hope. There are guys out there that aren't as quirky or anxious or weird as Rick. But I don't want "better." I can't emphasize this enough. Being with him felt right. And other people could tell this too. Despite this entry, I am working on moving on. But I don't think I will lose hope for a long while. Right now I am going forward with my life to protect my heart and so I can get through nursing school. I am more important right now. But not only do I miss a wonderful guy that I fell in love with, but I miss my best friend. The relationship we had was like none other than we had ever experienced before. So special. I miss it. I miss him.

Don't Analyze

2005-08-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

I went the library today and started looking for books about playing hard to get. I found The Rules and The Rules II written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In the second books I read the part about applying the rules to a guy friend and it discussed whether your guy friend was interested in you or not. He isn't if he talks about other girls and solicits you for women advice because he really wants it. He would still have your back and call and care about you. He would be jealous if you dated someone but just as a girlfriend would. But the main thing is that he doesn't feel that spark. It said the only way that a guy friend would become more was if he was interested you from the beginning (more than a friend) but something prevented it from working out at the time.

Ugh. There is no hope. I was wrong the ENTIRE time. This hurts.

2 Hours of Sleep & 7 Hours of Clinicals

2005-08-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

He must have gotten advice for Jason or something to back off. What else would explain his not calling, ignoring me, etc. Grr. Once again he has control. This makes me feel angry and desperate. I want to ask him if this is the case. And I want to get mad at him for not even telling me. I mean how is our friendship not "on the line" when he doesn't communicate and avoid me. I miss him terribly. I hate how he makes me feel vulnerable. He won't miss me if he already decided to back off. Our friendship feels like it is ending. It's too complicated. Dear God, please let him miss me as much as I do now. Help me to move on so that we can salvage some type of friendship. My heart is heavy. Thank-you for the comfort and guidance you have given me through loved ones. Please strengthen me so I can excel in the nursing program, that the pain doesn't hinder my progress. I don't think I can or want to cut him off completely. But something needs to change. That was the purpose of my letter yesterday. But he must have been thinking the same thing because he didn't sound too surprised after reading it. Was I supposed to read his mind and not be confused and hurt? I want to channel this huge waste of energy into nursing. I want to be active, hopefully be an Alabama officer. I want to pass my classes with flying colors. But right now I'm not all excited and motivated. I want to make at least the Dean's list shooting for the President's List. I want to receive the Nightingale Aware. Nevertheless, I need peace. This boy situation needs a solution and a resolution.

And so it goes...

2005-08-25T07:04:00.000-07:00

I don't have the heart to write anything. I'm not happy. My mind is obsessing about Rick and the pain and a difficult decision. My mind is temporarily freed. I mean its still there bearing down, but its not gnawing at my heart. Rick, you have ruined the sanctuary in my heart because I shared that room with you. You cannot have this heart to break. I do not choose to be with you.

Messy

2005-08-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

Nursing school is overwhelming. What if I can't hack it? I'm not happy. I have started to resent Rick. I feel inadequate because he doesn't return romantic love for me, but he can surely lead me on. What with his gleam in his eyes when he talks to me and his hugs and the things he says. A couple people are convinced that we will get married one day. Another friend just doesn't understand him at all. I indulged in hope this past week when I confided in yet another friend and told the Rick saga.
My room is a mess.
My car is a mess.
My mind is a mess.
My heart is a mess.

Meaningful Quiz #25

2005-08-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

You are Proverbs.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Literary Advances

2005-08-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

I finished Harry Potter today. Although, I knew Dumbledore died it was still devastating to witness. And I feel so bad for Harry. I wish him and Ginny could just stay together and they live out their last year at Hogwarts peaceably then go on to get married and live happy wizarding lives with Hermione and Ron. They could even live next door to each other and raise their kids together. I know that’s what Harry wants deep down – a family.

I started on How to Study the New Testament Effectively by Guy N. Woods. I never knew Mr. Woods had such a beautiful writing style. I think this book will really answer my questions and guide me in the right and fruitful direction of really studying the Bible. I recommend this book to anyone who opens the bible at least once a week yearning to know God. He doesn’t just simply lay out a studying method, he makes ties to studying effectively and being able to teach others. I am already a third of the way into this magnificent book. Click here for a book review.

He's Gone

2005-08-14T10:58:00.000-07:00

Before he left church he said, "I'll give you a holler before I leave." I watched him say bye to several folks and drive off (to his apartment). I called him and said, "I don't even get to give you a hug bye?" So I stopped by his apartment before heading to work. As I closed the door to his apartment he took me in his arms saying, "Come here baby" in that voice he sometimes uses. And we stood there hugging and holding each other. In the embrace he told me he would miss me and to not get into any "supercilious debauchery." I told him I wouldn't but I would be tempted. We laughed. He gave me his mailbox key and I suggested he just leave the apartment key in there instead of mailing it to me when he got home. After walking around the apartment showing me what he was and wasn't taking home and encouraging me to use the apartment (hang out, relax, watch some movies, etc), we hugged once more and I left. My heart sank as I walked out and drove away.
Two weeks.
Two long weeks.
I think I'll read some and run some.

"Count it all joy..."

2005-08-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I am making a mistake loving him. If only it would stay like this forever. But one day he will leave and I will have to stop and recover from his absence. Alas, this is more than a year down the road. December 2006. That is if he sticks with library science. I am totally at the mercy of God. I don't have control. This is why God put him in my life -- to show me I never did.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart...

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Poem

2005-08-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

The crickets, their noise
The silence, her stillness
into a heart of poise
dim light and darkness

Rejection followed hope
and closely after me,
finally nailing it down
my heart, still as the sea

Crashing and undulating
never to rest
the mind, the heart
recognizing the best

The lonely crickets still sound
their syncopated song
swirling it all around
what they knew all along

Wake me up when September ends

2005-08-11T19:11:00.000-07:00

My love for him justs busts out of me. I am afraid to admit that I need him. I want to marry him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Its not eating my heart out that we are just friends -- as long as he never leaves and continues to need me. Does he favor John Marcher -- for there is always hope?

Summer class ended today. It ends tomorrow for Rick. He goes home on Saturday. It will only be two weeks, but I will miss him terribly. And it just reminds me of when he will leave for good to pursue higher education at a different institution.

New Song Download #1

2005-08-10T11:24:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist. I downloaded Al Green's "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" from the "Let's Stay Together" album. There is another version of this song from his concert at Tokyo, but that one is 1/3 the length of the studio recording. It was a $0.99 well spent. I remember when I first heard that song. Music can really dig into your soul and make it quiver.

Short Stories & Novellas

2005-08-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Henry James' novella, "Beast in the Jungle." I picture Rick as John Marcher and me as May Bartram. So I "warned" Rick by referring him to this story. A similar story was brought to my attention: "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" by Leo Tolstoy. I will be reading it later on this week. I have an affinity for short stories and novellas. Perhaps it is their quick lasting epiphanic bursts that stay with me and come back years later to my remembrance. Last night I was perusing the fiction shelves at Books A Million and I was reminded of the fiction or Laura Ingles Wilder and Cynthia Voigt that initially ignited my love for reading. I need to read those books again.

Beast in the Jungle
The Death of Ivan Ilyich

White-Bread Wednesday

2005-08-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Leigh and I made a grand attempt to study for our statistics test (which was thankfully postponed) on Monday. By 4pm (we had been studying since 1pm) we were distracted by a website that is a great aid to Weight Watcher participants. So to kill time I scheduled an appointment to get my shots for school and I stopped by Friends of the Library and purchased some books!

"In a Different Voice" by Carol Gilligan
"mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis
"Catch-22" by Joseph Heller
"Somewhere in Time" by Richard Matheson
"In Cold Blood" by Truman Capote
"All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum
"Feeling Good" by David D. Burns, M.D.

Total: $4.00

Perfect Love

2005-08-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says, "No, not until you're satisified and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone."

I love you, My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or belongings."

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait."

Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I have to show you."

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is perfect love."

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you. I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied."

~Author Unknown~

Emotional Clarity

2005-08-02T20:17:00.000-07:00

I showed Rick yesterday's Six Flag Exhuastion post. It was very hard to do. I left the library and sat outside while he read it. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next. My heart oozed and ached. He came outside with all of our things and touched my arm saying, "Let's go to the car for privacy." I think somewhere lost in the mix of apprehension and a broken heart, I hoped he was going to kiss me and return the feelings. A split second moment of hope. Anyways no real resolution was reached. I could have been crying about some other guy I was in love with -- that's how he reacted. He knew I was hurting and wanted to comfort me. Odd, I know. He told me how he felt. He loves me. I'm his best friend. He would do anything for me. The chemistry isn't there. Yet, he felt it when he first saw me and one other time. Never really said there wasn't hope for something later, just sounded negative. He is willing to do anything to help me deal with this, including cutting off communication, but reassured me that that would indeed hurt him (contrary to what I may have been thinking). All during the painful confession he was touching me in some way and when I really started crying he took me in his arms.

I honestly have no clue what to do. I don't hurt right now, though. Maybe it was getting it out of my system to really talk about it with him. Talking with Dana also helped. I've enjoyed some personal alone time tonight. I've enjoyed it. Tomorrow is another day.

How To Marry the Man of Your Choice: Introduction

2005-08-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

You don't have to stay single.
This book is designed for the woman who wants to have a man fall in love with her and marry her, but whose skills in obtaining the man she wants are inadequate.
Bitchy women succeed with men because they make men believe that they are superior women, and that a man is lucky to have them.
When a man contemplates marriage to a specific woman, he evaluates her as a prospective wife.
Do not waste your emotions on a man until you determine that he is worthy of you.
Recognize that you are a worthwhile individual.
Be yourself, but be yourself at your best.
The woman must evaluate herself against her competitors. To be successful with her man, she must know what she has to offer and be able to tell the man.
At numerous points throughout this book, I urge the woman to remain silent, to encourage the man to talk. This is not meekness or coyness, but an important manipulative principle.
The man you are seeking can be yours, but only if you take the initiative.
Don't expect the man of your dreams to appear on your doorstep without any effort on your part.
Love is too important to be left to happenstance. Don't expect magic...If you want anything else in life, you know you need to work for it...
Continue the strategy only on the man you want.
There is usually a large gap between what men do and what they say they do...go by behavior instead.
You need to recognize when you are succeeding, especially when the man's behavior is fluctuating.
Praise and criticism are a part of daily life, and essential for the person you are considering as a prospective spouse.
Apply these strategies in your own personal situation.
Develop your own action plan to personalize the marriage strategy.

--Margaret Kent

Six-Flags exhaustion

2005-08-01T11:44:00.000-07:00

I can barely concentrate. I'm in class. If I had gone to class last Thursday I might have a better idea of what the teacher is talking about. I'm also glancing at my 13 point list of things that need to be done, preferably, today. But through all this, Rick is stayed on my mind. Last night in my delirium of exhaustion, my guard was down. More than ever I wanted to jump in his lap and kiss him. I felt happy and at home with him. I wanted to be completely surrounded by him -- nestled in his strong arms and buried in his love -- peace. After falling asleep, I lumbered over to his bed and snuggled next to him. I can't describe the reaction my heart has when I recall this. Being denied all of Rick, wanting him completely, and lost in the mix of our friendship, unable to share this passion and mystery in my heart -- brings tears to my eyes and deep sighs expel from the delicious pain that poisons my heart. What do I do? God has put someone very special in my life who has awoken a part of me that has been dormant since Brad. An answer to the numerous prayers asking and pleading to find someone I can love without doubt and share my life with. Do I wait until August 22 when nursing school starts so I can escape in my studies and "get it out of my system?" But I don't want it out of my system. Hope is what gets me out of bed in the morning when I hope for the future, but hope for love returned is what sets fire to my days. Hope for him to open his eyes and see what is standing in front of him is what I have, but it is what I fear will truly obliterate my heart. For, I could have it completely wrong and I will have wasted my heart and emotions on someone who is worth it, but..."I don't want to wait in vain for your love." But after the fall semester he may leave and the intensity of our friendship will also leave. It will be smothered by distance and new preoccupations. So making the most of this semester is very important to me. The only change I see that needs to me made now is to alter my prayers:

"Dear God, please show me if there is hope to be invested for a relationship beyond friendship with this man that You blessed my life with. Help me to maintain a healthy mindset as our friendship progresses and to keep my priorities in line. Thank-you for your blessings. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart..."

2005-07-29T09:31:00.000-07:00

I start Weight Watchers today. I'm excited and nervous. First, I don't want this to be yet another futile attempt to make desired changes. Second, it is imperative that I succeed in this. I don't mean never make a mistake, just succeed.

Rick caught me off guard last night. First, its important to say that he called me while I was at work requesting my presence to study. He had been working hard on his class assignment and asked if I would massage his shoulders. No problem. So I turned him into putty and let him continue with his work. Then he got up and came into the living room and said, "I think that's something that blurs the line and maybe we shouldn't do." I said, "What? No it doesn't!" He said, "Well, for me. That is something I would do for a girlfriend." As he walked back into the other room, I mumbled, "Oh, ok..." This nasty feeling washed over me and I almost left. I thought to myself, Does that mean he has feelings for me or that the action itself is reserved for someone who is more than a friend? But massaging each other's shoulders isn't new. Why does he mention this now? Blur the lines. When I say this, I mean I have feelings for him beyond friendship. Is this what he means? If so, is that something to stop? If so why? Once again, I'm not good enough. So its almost 1:30am now and he finally finished his report that I typed and tweaked. He gave me one of his fabulous hugs where he just stands and holds me. I am about to get into my car and we are still chatting. He says, "Hey give me a call when you're on the road or something. Or, I'll call you." For some reason that also caught me off guard. And when I told him I was going to Atlanta this weekend he made a couple comments that he would be all by his lonesome, but I reminded him that I would be back in town Sunday and we could hang out and watch Dukes of Hazard that afternoon. That appeased him.

Am I getting closer? Am I delving deeper into his heart? I think he is being a typical guy and can't see what's in front of his face. The wonderful things he says to me, I always wonder why he doesn't just stop looking and see me. Its almost like I am this wonderful woman he has been looking for. Well, one day I hope he sees. I can't help but be reminded of the short story "The Beast in the Jungle" by Henry James. Perhaps one day I will call his attention to this incredibly disturbing piece of literature.

New Book

2005-07-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

I went to The Foundry Thrift Store with Rick this past Saturday. I found a book entitled, How to Marry the Man of Your Choice written by Margaret Kent. I chuckled and showed it to Rick and on the way home I read some snippets aloud to him. The copy I found is the 1984 edition. But so far it doesn't seem out of date. If I don't catch Rick, I'll catch someone better!

Meaningful Quiz #24

2005-07-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

That's Right!

2005-07-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Watch Me Change!

Better

2005-07-22T10:15:00.000-07:00

Things have gotten a little better. My heart still aches at times. I just don't understand where this all came from. Normally, I would spend a moment here analyzing why my heart reacted so strongly Wednesday, but I won't. It just did. And now the feelings I have for him are unrequited.

This line in Micah's email me to really helped me: "Try to think over the span of your life, past, present, and future; and know that God is working throughout its span to bring you to where He wants." This got me thinking. Last summer I was involved with Jerry (for a month) and I knew that I wanted this guy. But it didn't work out partly because he "just wasn't that attracted to me." And now the summer of Rick is very similar. I mean its different and better in that we are close friends and that was established right off. But once again my attraction level is what hindered a possible relationship. And I know this could sound shallow, but I don't see it that way. Because I have noticed that I am not attracted to the bigger guy who is attracted to me and really sweet. I like those thin, average weight guys who are really sweet.

So maybe God is using Rick to prepare me for next summer's guy. I want to be more attractive, mainly physical. I'm pretty sure that I'm inwardly attractive. I've just go to portray this more to my physical appearance. Don't get me wrong. When all the factors (makeup, clothes, etc) come together I feel I look darn good. But my extra weight does a good job of burying my hotness!

So, I'll probably join Weight Watchers again (I've always had success in that) and take things one day at a time.

But inside I hope and pray that Rick is next summer's guy.

Disaster

2005-07-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

Somewhere around 7pm yesterday (just 3 hours after I was so sure of things) things took a turn for the worst. Perhaps it was my growing excitement and fear about seeing him at church. Maybe it was when I found out that Wayne's mom died. Maybe it was because I didn't get to sit with him like I had wanted and planned. All through the sermon I just kept falling. I wrote this note to Micah (who was sitting next to me): I've got much on my heart and mind. And I can tell already I won't be able to concentrate on this guy's lesson. I wish my heart didn't put so much weight on things that could be so simple. So even after the lesson my heart continued to ache and the tears were coming. So I sat down with Amanda and spilled and cried and she encouraged me to sit down and talk with Rick. So I did. Of course just being with him made me feel better. Things were resolved and he completely understood. Still friends, but a rare type of friendship. Part of the reason why he can't completely return feelings is because "the chemistry isn't there." He went further to explain that chemistry is that immediate physical attraction. But he wanted to make sure I understood that he found me attractive, but because of his "pornographic background" my beauty isn't fully realized. Ok, I know this must sound like a load of crap, but this is Rick we are talking about. And the only way I can explain him and his thought processes is delightfully odd. I know that his words on this aren't a bunch of crap and his words weighed out. It's honest. But I can't help but recall Jerry and why that didn't pan out. He just wasn't that attracted to me. This just brings to light my unhappiness with my weight. Part of my wants to be really determined and lose weight so this won't be a reason why a potential relationship doesn't happen -- again. But I am afraid my ulterior motive would be to "make" Rick want me more than a friend. Either way I am still recovering from all the heartache last night. And I am worried that being friends with Rick just won't be possible without it sapping my heart dry.

I've Taken Care Of It

2005-07-20T14:08:00.000-07:00

It's the 2nd day of not initiating communication. I mean, yesterday morning I emailed him with the artist of "The Air I Breathe." He thought it was Lonestar. I knew it wasn't. The Mavericks. And I IMed him before that even though he wasn't online. Haven't heard from him since I left Monday. Normally, this would upset me and I would build up enough resentment to either completely withdraw or give in a call. Although I could go in this direction if I dwelled on it enough, I have just accepted it. I took these steps backwards for this very reason. We aren't dating and he isn't going to treat me like his girlfriend. And I am more secure in our friendship now. I know how he feels towards me. And just as I don't necessarily have daily contact with Amanda and Dana, I shouldn't expect it from Rick. It's because I have and desired this more than with my other friends that it became a problem. Our relationship is in the realm of friendship.

Current Obsession: "The Air That I Breathe" by The Mavericks

2005-07-19T20:30:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about him. He's kinda been buzzing around in my mind -- sometimes in the back -- sometimes in the front. I noticed a change yesterday. Relaxed and happy to be in his presence, I would look up from my statistics book to watch him study. Delighted, I watched him when he doctored the burn on my arm. He seemed aware of my movements also. What was he thinking about? We "chased away the lonely birds" to a quarter past midnight, chatting about this and that, cuddling on his high up twin bed. What I had planned on discussing didn't seem important. And it wasn't. It didn't trouble me. It's something I can take care of.

Jerry just called. His voice reminds me of last year when I really fell for him. My heart is fragile! I already feel odd churnings. Having feelings for people is tough stuff. I really want to talk to Rick. I wish he would call me. But I can't call him. Even though last night was great I still need a few guards up so I can maintain a healthy friendship with Rick. Oh, but Jerry. My heart pounded when I saw his name flashing on my phone. I wish I was skinny. I could have both guys around my finger!

Not an easy thing to do

2005-07-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

I let myself get too far. This has been an interesting weekend with my parents gone and him back in town for now a longer and undetermined amount of time. (Don't worry, I am not speaking of yielding to carnal temptation.) I finally let myself understand this last night when the only thing keeping me in the fellowship hall was him. This being how I fired off all of my guards and let myself get too deep. The beginnings of an addiction! Bittersweet. Feeling a burning yes, but knowing that even if the ball were in my court, too much doubt reigns in my heart towards him. This is my last night in an empty house. No parents to answer to. No pressure. So I will spend this last evening with him as if I had no cares in the world. As if our innocent flatware imitations meant nothing beyond our close friendship. As if falling into his embrace before I leave confirmed our close friendship. He deserves and would want me to communicate this with him, but I don't want him to act differently toward me. That might make things more complicated. Hmm. What should I say? One might gather from this post that I am suffering from unrequited "love." It's odd because some days I couldn't be any more unattracted to him and convinced that we couldn't be more wrong for each other. Completely turned off by him! Then I fall into this sweet spot where I can cuddle in emotional intimacy coupled with innocent affections. And knowing it would never really work between us lets me enjoy my time with him for what it is. But then I can't really see that line. What is it? Its blurry. I find myself wanting to be attractive to him, to spend a lot of my time with him, and thinking about him. But then that once OCD-free doubt lights and it soon becomes OCD. Back to the days of Brad, trying to convince doubts out of my mind, all the while growing more and more anxious. And before I know it I don't know how I really feel. Happiness and anxious depression mix--redefining the former.

Today

2005-07-18T10:54:00.000-07:00

No work today.

Love my statistics class, except it is moving faster than I am.

Bought two (blue & red) Papermate Clear Point mechanical pencils, Shelton State window decal, and a new monthly planner.

Last full day of a peaceful empty house.

Got studying, cleaning, and napping to do today.

Life-Changing Quote #1

2005-07-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

"A powerful mind is a mind that can take note of subtle changes and understand the implications of them."

Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D.

Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior

Seemingly shallow

2005-07-15T21:58:00.000-07:00

I can't quite sum up the conflicting emotions that set up residence in my heart this evening and the anxiety provoking thoughts they accompany. I have a friend who I grow closer to every time we spend time together. He is much older than all my other friends and myself. He is a bit odd in this fact and in his personality. Tonight they didn't mesh. The impartial spectator might assume they did, but my reservations and insecurities tell another story. The very reason why so much weight is added to this inner conflict is that I am aware of and insecure of my feelings for him. Although grounded in friendship, I want it to be more. At the same time I fear the opinion and judgment of my close peers, in regards to him personally and our growing relationship. Nothing outright, but their subtle uneasiness in his presence signals their disapproval. Perhaps this only occurs in my mind as I seek to find validation through my friends. Nevertheless, this hinders my heart from relaxing so that I can successfully explore possibilities. Unwelcome intrusive obsessive thoughts take over almost with my knowing as my reservations and attraction strengthen.

Nursing Program Essential Functions

2005-07-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

Auditory
Interpret monitoring devices
Distinguish muffled sounds heard through a stethoscope
Hear and discriminate high and low frequency sounds produced by the
body and the environment
Effectively hear to communicate with others

All during grammar, middle, and high school I took those hearing and eye tests. And I failed every single hearing test. I began to dread these tests because I knew I would fail. I knew there was sound that I should be hearing that I wasn't. It wasn't until my sophomore year in high school was it recommended that I go and get a professional opinion. It so happened that a man that attended Sycamore church of Christ with me was the head guy over NIU's Speech-Language-Hearing Clinic. So he made sure that I got tested and even sat in on it to make sure everything went right. So my hearing loss was moderate in a particular speech frequency. Come to find out it explained why by 9pm every night I was completely wiped out and could barely finish my homework. I was using extra energy to compensate for what I couldn't hear so that I could understand what people were saying. We bought a state of the art Phonak Digitally Programmable In-the-Ear Hearing Aid that came with a handy dandy remote control. Life improved. I had more energy. I broke several and thankfully warranty (and extended warranties) helped cover me. When I moved to Alabama I got out of the habit of wearing hearing aids. For a long time they didn't sit in their air-tight container so they don't work as well having been exposed to moisture in the air. That may be another reason why I stopped wearing them.

In my anatomy and physiology class we did a lab that used a stethoscope. They weren't the nicest ones, but we took each other's blood pressure. Well, I couldn't hear it. But I could watch the dial and find out. When I told my lab partner I couldn't hear it because I had a hearing loss he said, "You have a hearing loss and you wanna be a nurse?" That was the first time it dawned on me that I might have a problem. I am certainly not disabled. I perform well in the classroom setting.

So this essential function form is the second one that a physician and I have to sign. And it bothers me. But I found this great site. Association of Medical Professionals with Hearing Losses. They have a good article about "How to Cope with Scopes" I am beginning to see that it is more than possible to be a great nurse and still have a hearing loss. Maybe I'll write a book about it!

The Aftermath of Dennis

2005-07-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

Clean my room
Do laundry
Read
Write scholarship essay

This is the perfect day to get a lot of chores done. School is cancelled. I don't work. The only thing that may be going on is the "Life and Teachings of Christ" class. And hopefully that won't be cancelled because it isn't Dennis weather anymore.

Theoretically the first two items on my list should take no longer than two hours and by 12am my mind can be clear knowing I have clean clothes to wear and a clutter free room to live in. But ADD has already influenced my will and motivation to tackle this list. I am even procrastinating in finding my bottle of Ritalin that will aid in my productivity.

First, breakfast. Then, the list. Wish me luck.

Meaningful Quiz #23

2005-07-10T11:14:00.000-07:00

You Are 53% American

Most times you are proud to be an American.
Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe
Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home.
You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

Too many books

2005-07-09T13:06:00.000-07:00

Last night after we (Dad, Emily, Micah, Rick, Me) watched Fantastic Four (which was fantastic!) Micah surprised me with my very own copy of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I was very excited, but the mountain of books that sit on my nightstand discouraged me. Here is a list of all the books I am "currently" reading:

1. "Brain Lock: Free Yourself From Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior" by Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D.
2. "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
3. "Evidence That Demands a Verdict: Historical Evidences For the Christian Faith Volume 1" by Josh McDowell
4. "The Complete Idiots Guide to Personal Finance in Your 20s and 30s" by Sarah Young Fisher and Susan Shelley
5. "Christ or the Qur'an?" by Evertt L. Huffard
6. "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie
7. "Hard Sayings of Jesus" by F.F.Bruce
8. "Jesus: Lord and Savior" by F.F.Bruce

Now you see my dilemma. Nevertheless, I read the first three chapters last night. Quite interesting.

Froogle #1

2005-07-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

Since I won't have a membership to the Rec Center this fall and I won't be able to afford paying for a gym membership I think I want to work out at home. I was watching an infomercial about Gunnar Peterson's Core Secrets and decided to go this route instead of the gym.

Peterson is widely recognized for his expertise in functional training, as well
as his commitment to developing and implementing innovative fitness techniques. His dynamic approach focuses on achieving long-term results through challenging
and constantly varied workouts. His continuing education in fitness trends and
training techniques reinforces the trust his clients have placed in him for more
than 15 years. Peterson has been featured in numerous major publications in
the U.S. and abroad, including Sports Illustrated, Cosmopolitan, Allure,
Glamour, In Style, Shape, Self, Men's Journal, Elle and USA Today. He has
authored and contributed to articles in a variety of publications. Recent
television appearances include E!, Fox Sports' "Best Damn Sports Show Period,"
"Entertainment Tonight," and "Sky Sports."Gunnar is certified by the
National Strength and Conditioning Association (C.S.C.S.) and the American
Council on Exercise (C.P.T.). He graduated from Duke University with a
concentration on physical fitness and psychology.

Off the Wagon

2005-07-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well, Aunt Flow came to town, of course unexpected. And normally when she comes she just checks into the Red Roof Inn and barely bothers me. Well, this time I think I will award her the Dishonorable discharge from the Uterine Navy. Needless to say, my eating habits suffered. She had no respect for me trying to eat and live healthfully. Pain and mood swings were involved. She finally left yesterday, but now I am clamoring to climb back onto the wagon. Now other factors are involved with this struggle. I was rejected from Upper Division at UA. So now I will be going to Shelton's Nursing School. So that means I will have to go another year to obtain my Bachelor's degree: 6 years total. My parents want me to take out a loan and start paying for school myself. I don't have enough money to go grocery shopping so I will have to depend on my parents to buy specific foods for me. And this summer they have paid for a lot of extra stuff. And this Thursday is Dana's lingerie party that I am hosting and that is costing a fair amount of money. I have racked up $1500 on my credit card since I got it and I need to start paying that off. But will I let adversity come between me and my goals to lose weight and be healthy? Some days it seems like it.

In response to my sister

2005-07-01T22:13:00.000-07:00

People are afraid of things they don't understand. Here's what I understand: everybody can benefit from learning how they think, how their thoughts affect their lives, and how to think better so being sad and depressed doesn't have such an affect on your relationships (friendships, boyfriends, sister, parents, etc.), schoolwork, and overall attitude. Here's what I know: depression runs in our family and whether or not you have it, you show signs of mild to moderate depression. If you started showeing signs of mild asthma and I told you I was concerned and you told your friends that I wanted you to get checked out and the doctor wanted you to carry an inhaler, would your friends tell you they think that wouldn't do any good? No! Why? Because your friends are familiar and comfortable with people with asthma. Its not too serious and they know several people with it. Now a person with asthma, do they always have asthma attacks? No. They don't always have an inhaler to their mouth. Its the same with depression. There are good days and weeks and there are bad. And these tapes are simply a way of helping you learn how to think better and have a stronger mind so that that nasty feeling doesn't creep into your heart and ruin things. So you can concentrate better. So your relationships are stronger. So you don't get as irritable with mom and dad. So you don't feel like the only source of happiness on a night stuck in the house is at the computer. And your friends don't think it will do any good? The thing is they are scared of the idea of depression and if someone isn't completely suicidal then you aren't depressed. I am here to tell you that depression lies in the smallest thought you have as soon as you wake up. It is involved with every reaction to every situation. Its not always crying your heart out. Its being irritable, its that nasty feeling, its not being excited about life, its feeling like not being with your boyfriend hurts too much, its having the hardest time getting out of bed. So a lot of people don't exactly know a lot about this. I am your sister. I am not here to shove an illness down your thoat. I love you and I have seen things ever since we moved down here. You may not be clinically depressed, but you are missing the sweetest parts of life because of you being sad and down a lot. So I see how it will help. For your friends tell them to look at this website and learn more about this: http://www.stresscenter.com/

Body-for-LIFE: Day 4 of 84

2005-06-30T10:20:00.000-07:00

Due to spontaneous events and lack of planning, yesterday I missed a meal and my lower body workout. So today I think I will do my lower body workout (since that only happens once this week) instead of my regularly scheduled aerobic workout. I would rather skip cardio (which happens 3x a week). I am really hoping that my medication, Lexapro, doesn't hinder my progress. I'm only on 20mg as opposed to 40mg of Paxil which really packed on the pounds! My arms are still a bit sore from my upper body workout I did on Monday. I think its because they are growing. They would all the protein I've been eating and drinking. Speaking of which, I tried my friends Dymatize Elite Whey Protein Gourmet Vanilla and it was soooo delicious! A far cry from the Twinlab Ironman stuff I've been choking down! Hopefully, I'll get the good stuff soon!

Disturbed

2005-06-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've read the book and barely got into it. I saw the movie and was completely unnerved. Set on edge, I reluctantly left the "safety" of the Cobb Theatre parking lot for my empty car and dark house. My leg is still moving. Although I'm tired, I don't quite feel relaxed enough for sleep. The thing is, I liked War of the Worlds because it really got to me. Now that's my kind of movie!

Body-for-LIFE: Day 1 of 84

2005-06-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

Weight: 210lbs
Body Fat: 34.5%
Bust: 41"
Waist: 40"
Hips: 47"

*Dates on picture are wrong

Encouragement and Tips are welcome!

Meaninful Quiz #22

2005-06-25T17:04:00.000-07:00

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile.
Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away
I let mine out, and chatter all the while.

I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day
Is any day that's spent without a friend,
With nothing much to do or hear or say.

I like to be with people, and depend
On company for being entertained;
Which seems a good solution, in the end.

What Poetry Form Are You?

Sunset on Mars

2005-06-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Simply breathtaking. Something I never realized-- that this happened. Yes, I know that the planets rotate and therefore there are "nights" and "days." But just as the sun sets here on Earth so it does on Mars. So then it rises. And then however long it takes for the earth to rotate away from the sun, that is a day. These concepts I know for my planet and never thought to apply to others. Would it be romantic to watch the sun set with a beloved while wearing pressurized suits, an oxygen supply on our backs, and a handy "toilet" on our rears?

Interview

2005-06-24T17:52:00.000-07:00

Check it out here.
Here is a transcript:

Tim: Thank you for your interest in my Interview project. For this project, I will begin by asking you a very general question. This question is intentionally vague to allow you to introduce yourself and to give some background information about yourself.The world is very diverse, and so are the people who make up the world. Some people spend their entire lives in the city, while others spend their lives in the rural environment. Some people live there entire lives within miles of where they were born, while others have traveled all over the world. Some people's lives involve, for the most part, only a few close relationships, while other people's lives involve an entire community. However, because of the great variety of people in the world, everyone has one thing in common: everyone has a life story to tell: a story they can call their own and a story that sets them apart from anyone else. What is your life story?

Erin: My life story has been anything but stationary: stationary in the sense of physical dwelling. I was born on New Year's Day, 1984 in San Angelo, Texas and lived in Round Rock, Texas for the next 5 years. Shortly after my sister born in 1989, my family and I moved to Meridian, Mississippi. This is where my elementary career took place. My mother, who worked for Comcast Cable Company, was promoted and we relocated to Havre de Grace, Maryland. I was 11. The horrific middle school days were enjoyed in this small town. It was my mother's job again, this time she worked for Johnson Controls, Inc., that we packed our bags and headed west to Sycamore, IL. High school (1998-2002) happened here. When I graduated in 2002, I went to school at Freed-Hardeman University in Henderson, Tennessee. It only took one semester before I couldn't stand it. So I decided to leave. My family was relocated at the start of 2003, so I left Tennessee for Tuscaloosa, Alabama. I have lived here for 2 1/2 years. I love it.

T: In 21 years, you have lived in San Angelo, Round Rock, Meridian, Havre de Grace, Sycamore, Henderson and Tuscaloosa. Not only did all of this happen in 21 years, but much of this happened in your childhood and teen-age years. It is these years that many people associate with spending most of their times with friends and for some building live-long friendships. Considering that you have lived in more places than some people do in a lifetime, how had moved impacted your friendships as well as yourself? Have you been able to keep in contact with friends even after moving? Do you believe that some of your interests are a result of how often you have moved?

E: I have managed to acquire the skill to make true sincere friendships within a short amount of time, 2 or 3 years, as opposed to a lifetime. I have never moved into these cities with the mindset of, "Oh, this is just a pit stop. I'll only be here a short while." All the times I moved, I associated with people with the intent that I would be physically around for long while. At first it was innocence and now it's become a matter of just living for today. As I've gotten older, I can see a difference in me and other girls my age who have lived in the same house all her life. The friendships she cultivated are due to security of having the same peers since elementary school. On the other hand, I put more effort in to start, secure, and grow a friendship so that it is something that will be a part of my life no matter where either person may end up. I am still in contact with my closest friends from each period of my life. I recently got back in touch with my softball cronies of my elementary days and because now I live only an hour and half away, I plan to reunite. My best friend in high school has made several moves and significant life choices, but I can tell you about significant dates in her near future that are important, her goals and ambitions, and how she views the world. I am up to date with my best friend in Maryland. I know her school changes, what her family is doing, and her same sweet heart. I still manage to keep in periodic contact with the only good friend I made while in Tennessee. But all this only happened because of various resources on the Internet and personal information that, fortunately, never changed (phone numbers, etc.). This positive history, gives me confidence as I watch my best friend in college marry and move off. Because I had the opportunity to travel and open my eyes to the world and its possibilities, I have cultivated a confidence in myself and the world I live in. I know that no matter where I go, I am home because of how I have developed myself and the family of friends that I have and will make. I am trying to draw a connection between my interests and my periodic moving. I know that I have met many different people with different backgrounds and interests. And along the way I have picked up just as many passionate interests that I am pursuing now and others I will pursue in the future.

T: It seems as if you have had good friends throughout your life and, from that, good support from others. However, something everyone, some more than others, deals with, is struggle.Sometimes, the struggle is caused by well-known events, such as wars and other times, it is caused by something few people know about, such as a parent's death. Regardless of how well known the events that lead up to a struggle are, each and every one of us is affected on a personal level by out struggles. What is the largest struggle you have encountered so far in your life?

E: The largest struggle I have encountered in my life is mental illness. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and depression. Only, for the last 3 years have I been able to call it by a name and receive treatment. All growing up I can remember anxiety tear me up. When I was little I was terrified of vomiting. As soon as I became aware of the threat of sickness that involved vomiting, my mind would begin to obsess about me getting sick and eventually vomiting. I would become so anxious that I would inevitably throw up and then it would take days to recover and "trust" that normal eating wouldn't cause further vomiting. In junior high I was convinced that I had an STD, even though I had never even been kissed, let alone participated in any sexual act. When this obsession hit, I got out all my old copies of Sassy magazine and educated myself on all the symptoms. "What if" thinking caused a considerable amount of anxiety and guilt. The move from Maryland to Illinois triggered depression. I suffered from clinical depression all the way through high school. Various OCD thoughts came up as well. I would go through times of high anxiety because a thought such as, "What if I'm pregnant" consumed my thoughts. Of course I hadn't engaged in any sexual activity, but the thoughts were just as controlling. My senior year in high school was a dreadfully odd year. I had a serious boyfriend for the first time, yet from the very beginning I suffered from intense anxiety and couldn't understand why. As the relationship progressed the anxiety increased. It tore me up that the anxiety was toward my boyfriend. The obsession took the form of questioning the "rightness" of the relationship and my love for him. I felt trapped in this hell of anxiety and by the end of my senior year our relationship ended. So depression and anxiety were at an all time debilitating high. My parents didn't understand and that caused a considerable amount of strife as well. When I started in school in TN, the anxiety worsened, if that even seemed possible. For the first week every day was a panic attack. There were a couple moments when my heart would slow down and I could actually make friends and gain some sort of comfort. In the beginning of that semester I started obsessing about whether I was gay or not. (Mind you the subject of the obsession are only related to the illness of OCD and not sexual orientation.) But I didn't understand this. I was at a Christian college and from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed I was obsessing and panicking and going crazy over these thoughts. Finally, I saw a psychologist. It was a free service offered to students and that had a great deal to do with breaking down and seeking help. My mom didn't understand how grave the situation was and the thought of therapy or medication seemed ridiculous. So I finally got on medication and regular therapy. But the environment of that Christian college didn't help recovery. So with my relocating to Alabama and the rest of the family to follow that summer, I decided to restart. It has been 2 1/2 years and I am the happiest I have ever been. OCD isn't much of a factor for me anymore. It gets triggered by life changes, but I know how to get through it. I never regret that semester in TN. I realized my strength or rather God's strength through me. I know now that I can get through any situation. But part of getting through anything is having faith in others and allowing others to help. That's the courage part.

T: I know it can be very difficult for us to share our struggles with other people, and I would like to thank you for sharing what you have been through with us. For many of us, we can't even imagine the things you have been through. Living in constant doubt and fear and not being able to trust your own body takes a very large toll on a person. It takes a very strong person to go through the things you have been through. During times of struggle, many people rely on others, such as friends, family or God for strength, support and guidance. How did you deal and cope with OCD when your struggles were the most intense? Can you share an instance when you were having particularly difficult time with OCD and how you handled it?

E: I remember an instance when I was in my dorm room with my roommate and I was doing anything to avoid just sitting with my thoughts, but I had to appear like the enormous irrational fears and anxiety didn't rule my every thought and carry on a halfway normal conversation. But I wanted desperately to be alone and somehow release and express the great wretchedness inside of me. Finally, she took her leave. As soon as she left and shut that door, I hit my knees. That particular angle with my back to the doors, facing my bed is an image I can easily recall. I remember just begging and sobbing and praying that God would help me. "Help me, God, please, please..." I groaned in half sobs and pleas with my face on the floor and admitting my complete and utter dependence on Him, all the while hoping no one would walk in on this very desperate moment. I always sought refuge through God and nature. I put so many miles on my truck during that semester because as soon as class was over, I left the campus to be alone with God and talk and pray. I didn't even realize it then that I was completely dependent on God. I just knew that I had very little control in my situation. I think when we call on God we think he is going to reach down and fix things, only he does but not in the way we expect. One way he comforted me was through my mom. I remember checking my mail and enjoying her sweet cards. For a brief moment I could see some light at the end of the tunnel and that there were three special people north of me who thought about me every day. When I went home for a funeral me and mom were at my sister's soccer practice and I remember trying to explain this mental illness and I related it to the Rolling Stones song, Painted Black. Every normal moment or sound or conversation is black. She put her arm around me and said to me, "Just because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean I can't. Just believe me. There is. I know it." Being wrapped in my mothers arms and spilling my tears and experiencing a moment of hope was how I got through those times. I would see the psychologist at least once a week. It was great relief to finally shed some light on things I always just thought was how I was. I realized in those sessions that there were other people like me, that I wasn't alone, and that I would get better. I had many resources at my disposal, and that was God answering my prayers.

T: You mentioned that you moved to Alabama 2 1/2 years ago and that you are now the happiest you have ever been. You also mentioned that OCD isn't much of a factor for you anymore. Considering that you once used to obsess about vomiting, contracting an STD and even pregnancy without engaging in any sexual activity, it is obvious that you are a lot different now than how you were before. What is the thing that made the difference? Was it a single event in your life, or was it a gradual process? How did this change come about?

E: A gradual process has brought out change and continues today. With medicinal and talk therapy, I started making progress. Basically, I had to learn how to think differently. Automatic thoughts were tackled. I had to slow down my thought processes to catch negative automatic thinking. Strengthening my coping skills was vital. In a way, various single events caused this gradual process. Each luminous mountain was a challenge that I had to somehow find the courage to overcome. Now, the mountains I once covered are mere hills and are everyday getting flatter. For instance: When I first came to Tuscaloosa, starting at the community college was scary. I felt like I would never be able to complete college or be on my own again. But the community college was small and close to home (the apartment me and my mom lived in) and similar to high school. No big deal. But every time I would go downtown and drive down the strip on the big scary University drive. That's when I started sweating. "How do these kids stay sane living here? Dorm rooms? How do they hold on to mental clarity and succeed?" I couldn't square in my mind being a part of university life and being happy and healthy. To me it was a scary place, full of dread, and unhappiness. I knew I would one day transfer here if I were to get my degree, but that was further down the road. Phew! The first couple of weeks that I actually started at the university were very scary. (This is fall 2004). OCD triggered and I had to cope and deal with all these irrational thoughts associated with my first college experience. As of today I am on my 3rd semester of college there and would be more distraught if I had to go to the community college to pursue nursing instead of the great University of Alabama! Easy terrain. On to another mountain! So with each scary, challenge, OCD and depression triggering experience, I grew stronger because I had the mental capacity to change how I allowed my mind to work. That is the difference of being on medication and not. Now 2 1/2 years later, I'm not so worried about the next change in my life.

T: One of the most important things in life are the lessons we learn. Many times, we gain the best experience and learn the most about life and ourselves during the difficult times of our lives. It's often the case that people grow when they are challenged than when they are not. It is very important to not allow the difficult times of our lives overcome us but to instead learn from them. What lessons have you learned from your experiences with OCD?

E: I have learned......that hard times don't last forever. It is so convincing when in the throes of mental anguish that life will always be this way, but it never fails that it soon ends...that mental illness is still misunderstood, despite our all-accepting society. The overall idea is accepted, but not the day-to-day agonies that add up to finally point to an "obvious" diagnosis. ...that OCD has strengthened me -- endurance, compassion, mental and emotional resilience, resolve, hope...that I am not alone. OCD and depression are very isolating and this never helps symptoms. But I now know that I was never "crazy."...the hard way (the best way) what Paul learned, "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." While I was the weakest, during my first semester of college I was strongest. I was taking 17 hours and my GPA for that semester was 3.7. I made lasting friends. I was part of the most elite choir who practiced daily, traveled everywhere, and upheld the highest standards. All this while OCD and depression were seemingly ruining my life!...that depending on others was necessary for comfort and progress. Knowing that you can't depend solely on yourself is scary, but necessary to be truly happy and successful at anything

T: Earlier, you mentioned that you are doing better now than you were before and that you are now the happiest you have ever been. I asked you before to detail the struggle you faced with OCD. Now, can you detail what your life is like now? How is your life different now than before? What makes your life now the happiest it has ever been? Can you give an example of a recent situation when you were happy that would not have been possible three years ago?

E: My life right now is steady, although, this summer is a sort of a waiting room for my life to take direction. I will be finishing my prerequisites and finding out which nursing school I will go to and that will determine when I graduate and if I pursue an additional degree. Also many of my friends are getting married and that makes me focus on my own love life or lack there of. Right now I have a month break before I start my next summer class. So I have been "busy" relaxing and hanging out with my new friend. Before OCD and depression were my main concern, whether I knew it or not. Life was more about surviving: getting past the anxiety, the thoughts, the darkness. I mean I still did the things I do today, but now my mind is clearer. My daily duties are more fulfilling because I can see how it keeps me moving to the bigger picture - graduating, a job, financial security, more free-time, etc. I still have occasional bouts with OCD and depression but it isn't all consuming. It seems like it sometimes, but the reality is that I have control and I know these episodes don't last. I recently became friends with this guy. The nature of the relationship is quite different than I have ever experienced. Its mirrors the intimacy that I enjoy in my relationships with my girlfriends, but it's with a guy. He's not gay either so the attraction I have for him isn't obsolete. It seems with any new relationship with a guy that I am even somewhat attracted to, OCD rears its ugly head. Before this OCD would simply take over my life and the relationship with this guy would be either be avoided or driven me nuts. But today I can deal with the OCD and make the relationship work. And slowly the OCD goes away as I keep fighting it. And before I know it I've achieved something I (irrationally) thought possible -- a meaningful friendship that makes me happy.

T: Many people believe that humans, by nature, are very relational; most people believe that without relationships, life is not worth living. People gain many things from relationships, such as people to talk to when they are bothered, people to rely on when they do not feel well and people to simply share life with. One additional thing people gain from relationships is wisdom from others; when people are not sure what to do, they frequently go to their friends and family for advice. What advice do you have for others? What advice would you give to those who are going through a similar experience that you have gone through? What advice would you give to a person who may not have shared the experiences you have been through?

E: I have been pondering the idea of power. And I realized that we give people, events, situations, etc, too much power. But even if this is negative it doesn't have to have a negative affect on us. My friend and I have been discussing "Optimistic Realism." Optimism is: A tendency to expect the best possible outcome or dwell on the most hopeful aspects of a situation. Realism is: An inclination toward literal truth and pragmatism. So my advice for others is: Realize that you have the power to choose how you will be affected by any situation that comes your way. Although the life event, either positive or negative, will come we can choose whether it will be beat us down, build us up, or have no effect at all. For people who struggle with mental illness this is key to survival. The real part of depression and anxiety is that it is a painful monster that can sap the vitality from our lives. But the optimistic part is not letting it get to your soul. That's where hope is. Know that depression and anxiety are sharpening your will and increasing your strength and courage. But the key to all this is knowing and believing that anxiety and depression will not beat you and that it will go away (either through medication, therapy, or something!) If you give depression and anxiety power in that you lose hope that you will ever be free of the monster then it has beaten you! Despite the pain, participate in life as if it weren't there. Life isn't anxiety and depression. For people who don't have the experience of battling a mental illness my advice to you is to realize that people who go through these experiences think differently. Observe the world around you, closely. Don't dismiss lethargy for laziness. Don't dismiss symptoms of depression for impatience or a bad attitude. Challenge yourself to look deeper, beyond what you see. There is a whole world of unspoken pain that you need to tap into and be a beacon of hope. Everyone needs that light at the end of a tunnel. Encourage and reassure that there is in fact a light.

T: Thank you very much for participating in my interview. It was very nice to be able to hear able the struggles you have encountered in your life and how you have chosen to deal with them. It is very encouraging to find out how you overcame OCD and have grown from your encounters with it. Thank you again for sharing the things you have experienced in life and allow others to learn from it. Thank You!

Orkut

2005-06-14T06:53:00.000-07:00

An online community that connects people through a network of trusted friends. "We are committed to providing an online meeting place where people can socialize, make new acquaintances and find others who share their interests."

Demographics

Age
18-25...56.2%
26-30...14.81%

Here For
friend...90.18%

Relationship Status
single...49.9%

Country
brazil...71.21%
usa...6.98%

Leave a message if you wanted to be invited!

Getting Educated

2005-06-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

Especially helpful when
you are attracted to a guy
who always says "friend"
every other word.

Adam Trese

2005-06-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

Rick loaned me a DVD a week ago.
I immediately fell in love with Adam Trese. Maybe it is his dark deep eyes or his uncanny resemblance to my ex-boyfriend. So I did some research and discovered he was that young lover of Claire Danes in Polish Wedding and he played in 40 Days and 40 Nights. As I looked over the first page of search results I noticed an odd link. Adam Trese is now a real estate agent/broker for Halstead Brokers. But NOTICE: there is a phone number and an email address! "Do I dare?" One day I will take a trip to New York and visit him and look deep into his dark eyes and tell him that I am in love with him!

Hook, Line and Sinker

2005-06-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

My dad and I went to Wally World (not my choice to employ little kids across the ocean) to get me a basic fishing pole and other fishing odds and ends. I am going on a retreat with the college students at church. I used to fish a lot when I was little when we lived in Mississippi because we had a pond! All I have to take the pieces out of the package and put the rod and reel together. I was tempted to get a Barbi tackle box.

On another note: I can really relate to Diamond Rio's Beautiful Mess. When my OCD or just obsessive tendencies kick in I tend to be "going out of my mind these days." Perhaps my physical appearance begins to suffer because I can't concentrate enough to clean my room or do laundry. But its just so great, this new friendship (with a twist of attraction). I would rather be be hanging out with him and when I'm not you know where my mind is! But at the same time I lose a sense of myself when I am "out of my mind" and barely able to do anything if it doesn't have to do with him. Bittersweet.

Beautiful = positive; Mess=negative

Crimson Towers

2005-06-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

I know it seems I have been talking about Rick a lot lately. Its a new relationship in itself and new in that I have never had such a relationship with someone as I am with Rick. Its an intimate friendship (this doesn't mean friends with benefits) that transcends the relationships I normally have with guys at the friendship level, but different than the type of friendship I have with my best friend (who is a girl). My anxiety (as well as his) has crept up, but its something we are working on. But I am bit disturbed by some of Rick's quirks. He lets his anxiety have too much control over his life. He spends almost all of his time in his little efficiency apartment for graduate students. His social skills are lacking a bit. I am trying to help him learn new coping skills and to tough it out instead of just giving in. It will still take some time to get used to him and all his quirks. But overall I am happy that this sweet man came into my life and the relationship has a clear direction -- friendship.

If

2005-06-07T19:18:00.000-07:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

Gmail

2005-06-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

Rick,

I haven't been totally honest with you. This OCD episode has been about our friendship. But being completely honest about this is scary because I am attracted to you. And it seems any new relationship involving a guy I am the least bit attracted to triggers this. It is different (but still difficult) to talk about my irrational OCD thoughts to my girlfriends because they are female and I know exactly what will come of those kind of relationships. Being close with a guy is scary, even if it is just friendship. But if the guy is married or more considerably older then the idea of attraction is obsolete and thus "safer." But it isn't for you because you are single and yea older but not like way too older. So my mind in its irrational tendencies can really mess things up. I am very hesitant as to whether I should even send this to you, but this is honesty. I guess because it sounds so serious I fear how you will take this. The main point is this: its been a bit difficult to really be honest and open because of OCD thoughts making me anxious and feeling vulnerable. And the last thing I want to happen is for our friendship to stop growing. My anxiety has decreased in intensity, but it is still present. That's why I left. I felt unreal and needed a safe environment (safe as in a place I am used to and that is familiar) to sort out my thoughts. I know you will receive this nugget of honesty with compassion and understanding. I sincerely hope our friendship continues to grow.

Erin

Reprieve

2005-06-05T19:35:00.000-07:00

I told Micah today that I had a crush on Rick. But I prefaced the confession by explaining my insecurity and admitting to the oddity. A Kodak moment of unassuredness. Micah made me feel so much better. He told me Rick was charming and a very strong Christian, but its ok and things will be fine. Because of the Pure O that I am, this crush became a source of anxiety. I hate that. So the rest of the evening was peaceful. Even though Rick didn't go to Mellow Mushroom with us. But I am looking forward to tomorrow. I will be going to Rick's to help him organize and make his apartment more livable. Then after that we have our bible class. I don't work tomorrow either. I think Monday will be a good day.

Meaningful Quiz #21

2005-06-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

Belle
Congratulations! You scored 12!

You are most like Belle, from Beauty and the Beast!

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 51% on Princess

Link: The Which Disney Princess are you? Test written by michl69 on Ok Cupid

It's Not Me -- It's My OCD

2005-06-03T08:35:00.000-07:00

OCD is not something to be reconciled with. This particular episode has to do with Rick, his age, my attraction toward him, my past with Matt (ugh), self-consciousness, and doubt. There are 3 people that I know in person that have access to this blog and that is paralyzing me even more to sit down and get this off my chest. OCD is irrational. There is no getting past that. And trying to explain to someone how these irrational thoughts make me feel is purely frightening. Oh how I hate this monster. Relationships suffer, health declines, and life sucks.

Well, I am very glad that Jerry let me have his copy of Brain Lock. But you know what! This particular episode won't last. They never do. I know I have the tools to cope and get past this. Any new relationship that involves a guy in whom I am slightly attracted to triggers this. And just like every single episode, it ends up going away.

Rick

2005-06-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

Rick called last night out of the blue. He wants to hang out and become close friends. He is 34. I am 21. Thankfully, he came right out and told me he was looking to be just friends. (Thankfully because he didn't leave me guessing at his intentions.) The age difference isn't really weird for me so I wouldn't normally be opposed to something beyond friendship. We talked twice last night. He called around 1pm today to ask if I would help him move into his apartment. I am excited about this. (Not necessarily moving him into his apartment, but making a new friend. And this is much easier for me because I know what to expect and I know the boundaries. Usually I fret and second guess all this.) But a part of me wonders if he has some sort of plan in his head. Well, we will have to see. But I can see how it will be hard for me to not be attracted to him and develop some sort of romantic feelings for him.

Looking for love

2005-05-31T16:43:00.000-07:00

Dana said that she went through 7 bad dates before Eric and last Christmas she said that she would have a boyfriend by this Christmas. Well, she will have a husband instead!

Erin says you will find him when you stop looking. It will happen when you least expect it.

Well, I am going to concentrate on it this summer. It seems like opportunities keep popping up. Rick, JD, Chad, Jake, and Brant. This summer is a transition summer. I will finish my prerequisites and I will find out where I will be going to nursing school. So when I find out and start school -- that's when I will stop and formerly give up as I concentrate on my studies and my future. (Unless of course I begin dating someone seriously this summer -- duh!) When the summer ends and I am still single, I hope I can really reach this point of not looking. And if by the end of nursing school, when I finally receive my BSN, and I am still single, I am going to work in Tuscaloosa for 1 year then become a travel nurse. I will be 24 or 25 depending the nursing school.

Literature Help Needed NOW!

2005-05-30T16:41:00.000-07:00

Here's what I have so far....

Emily Dickinson and Elizabeth Bishop both lived in Massachusetts but in different centuries. Most of Bishop’s writings were inspired by travel. Conversely, Dickinson’s poetry was inspired by her self-seclusion. Dickinson’s poem, "I felt a Funeral, in my Brain" and Bishop’s poem, "In the Waiting Room" will be the subjects compared and contrasted. Although different in mode, both poems describe transformations through knowledge.

Location is the key difference in these two poems. The setting in Dickinson’s poem takes place in a funeral procession while in Bishop’s a waiting room. The figurative implication that the different settings convey is very apparent. Dickinson’s transformation is a death. This signifies a conclusion or an end. But death can be also be a release. In this case, a release from a rational way of thinking. A waiting room, however, points to a new beginning. Life is a new beginning. However, if this new beginning is filled with an acute awareness of the world’s harsh realties, then it is not always pleasant.

The idea of transformation through knowledge is central to both poems. "I – we – were falling, falling" (Bishop) and "And I dropped down, and down – " (Dickinson) are lines in each work that signifies this tumbling into knowledge. Both authors give the impression that this sudden descent couldn’t be stopped. This illustrates the power of knowledge over innocence. Once knowledge is gained, falling from artlessness is inevitable and unstoppable. One cannot stop seeing and understanding life and the world. When Bishop’s character underwent her transformation, she was suddenly aware of the "night and slush and cold" that she did not notice all that much before. Dickinson’s character was unable to hold on to reason.

The poems have different results from the transformation. Dickinson’s poem leaves us falling. The audience is not sure what is next if there is anything at all. The last stanza in Bishop’s poem describes a return to the physical world, but now with more understanding of humanity and the world. The knowledge gained transformed the character into a less innocent child more aware of her surroundings. But in Dickinson’s poem there is no return to reality. Knowledge gained transformed the character with the inability to grasp the world and reason with it, death. The character does not know what happens after death. What is one to do without somewhere to go? Fall and wait for the bottom.

It lack a conclusion. Any tips or ideas to make this longer would be great!

JLT

2005-05-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

I spent the weekend in Arkansas. It was great! I arrived Friday evening to Erin cooking chicken fajitas. She looked thinner than the last time I saw her (2 1/2 years ago). We immediately became comfortable with each other. Jeremy (her fiance) and his brother (Josh) would be arriving soon. Jeremy drives a milk truck for Borden. He is a pretty huge guy who I immediately felt comfortable around. Josh is the first single brother I would meet. He is a student at Mississippi State University, majoring in agribusiness and economics. We enjoyed the evening together. I fit right in. Josh was cute.

I guess I should explain why visited Arkansas. My friend Erin Wood is getting married to Jeremy Thomason. Erin and I go back to the summers at Beaver Creek Bible Camp at the Beaver Creek Reserve, just outside of Eau Claire, WI. At that time she lived in Owatonna, MN and I lived in Sycamore, IL. All the little kids at BCBC thought we were sisters because we had the same name. Fond memories include standing on top of the rocks in the Fall River after a long canoe trip having a spitting contest. Erin went to Harding University while I, a year later, went to Freed-Hardeman University. My first and only semester at FHU, I went to Searcy, AR to visit Erin. We went on a double date. This is when I first met Jeremy. Erin graduated in three years with a degree in elementary education and set up permanent residence in AR. I moved to Alabama. Now, Erin is getting married June 17. She lives in De Valls Bluff and teaches in Clarendon. I made this trip primarily to meet the other bridesmaids and get my dress altered.

Saturday Erin and I went to The Bridal Cottage to get my dress altered. The dress size was a 22! I wear a size 18. So there was a lot of altering. The bill was pretty high. The dress itself was $177! Then add shoes ($60), strapless bra ($36), bra cups ($20), and alterations ($40) -- that's $333! Here is Erin's dress, she looks spectacular! Here is my dress. After alterations, Erin, Courtney (Jeremy's little cousin), Courtney's boyfriend Beau, and I went to Riverfest in Little Rock. That was awesome. I highly enjoyed Sum of Us, Andy Childs, and Hank Williams, Jr. In the middle of Andy Childs' performance, which was spectacular, Jake showed up. In the line of brothers, Jake is fondly referred to as "Number 2." (Jeremy, being the oldest is "Number 1," Josh is "Number 3," and Joe is "Number 4." This is what I knew of Jake before I met him him. He is 23, 6'8, and a great dancer! When I met him I was immediately attracted to him. When Bocephus took the stage, the party officially started. I was standing between Jake and Josh. We danced and had a great time. By this time I already had the hots for Jake. After the concert we went to the Electric Cowboy. I was nervous about this one. I don't go to clubs, but I love to dance and this was a mix of honkeytonk and club. When a slow country song came up, Jake came up to me, grabbed my hand, and lead me to the dance floor.

He taught me the two step and he was so smooth and cute and he twirled me and we laughed and he sang to me and it was so great! Butterflies. Then the fast country song came on. And we were swinging our hips and he was so cute and suave and handsome!

Needless to say I was crushing. But after those dances, I didn't dance with him anymore. I danced with Josh because I didn't want to leave him out and I had fun with him too. I was intimidated afterward to initiate a dance with Jake. While Jake and I were dancing, we had a short conversation. He said, "So you're from up north?" I said, "Well, I live in Alabama, but I lived in Illinois before that." He said, "Oh you don't look or sound northern. You're a quiet one." I said, "What do northern people look like? Its hard to have a conversation when loud music is playing" He said, "Yea." I said, "You're a good dancer!" He said, "The only problem is I really don't know what I'm doing." Not much happened after that.

We got back to De Valls Bluff around 3am. After taking showers and washing clothes we hit the hay only to wake up the next morning at 10 for church. Before I left I told Erin and Jeremy that I liked Jake. I left around 12:30 and arrived in Tuscaloosa around 6pm. Jake and Josh both don't have a computer let alone internet. But I really want to keep in touch with them, especially Jake. I think I am going to call Erin sometime this week and get Jake's cell phone number and text message him. But I will be heading back to AR June 15 and we are going dancing after the wedding!

Love keeping me up at night

2005-05-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

Shouting at me now!

Pleasurable tension between the many persuasions

of the "L word,"

seek harmony of its counterparts.

First comprehension

then security,

or else meet Waterloo.

For, a part can never expect fruit,

romantically.

Emily

2005-05-24T20:55:00.000-07:00

I think I have been avoiding it. I guess I would like to think its just growing pains. I know better. Her high school years, have they always been overshadowed by that nameless monster that creeps into every thought, emotion, and reaction? When I finally force it out of her, I am motivated toward action, but the sooner I forget, then the painful reminder and horror seems to go away. How stupid could I be? How agonizing it was when I was in her shoes. I'm the big sister and I've experienced it. I can save her. It will take persistence to plow through our parent's wall they created so they can avoid it. This wall is heavily guarded with primetime television, silencing their escapist daughters to finish a silly program. They are blind to what extent they have lost us. I hope for their sake they never know. Wishing other men were my father, hurts enough. It is good they don't see. But if I can just pry their eyes open just enough to get Emily help, that is all I ask.

Double Date

2005-05-24T10:43:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I went on a blind date with my best friend and her fiance. It was horrible! We had been talking on the phone all during that week and it wasn't spectacular. As soon as I hopped in the truck I knew it wasn't going to work. I know that sounds superficial! Well we head to Sonic with the other couple following. I was so incredibly nervous and hungry, I wolfed down a hamburger, fries, and a smoothie. We barely made conversation with each other. Thirty minutes later we left for the softball fields. He was playing for his men's team and we were going to watch. After the first half inning, me and the other couple were lost in our own world. Occasionally, we would remember to root and cheer for Chad (my date). During the last inning, someone hit a foul ball and it came soaring into the stands. I quickly covered my head and -- BANG -- it hit my shoulder blade. It didn't really hurt because as a softball player myself it's not uncommon to get hit everyone once in a while. But it was so embarrassing. All the people in the stands, and there were quite a few, gasped and stared! Dana, my friend also on the date, put her arm around me and we laughed. What would have made it perfect was if Chad had hit that foul ball. So the game ends and he comes over and after laughing at me because I got hit by the ball says, "Here it is. I am just going to go the house. I don't feel good. My arm hurts and I'm hot. Hey, there's my friend over there that I work with! I'll probably hang around here for a little bit." Relieved and shocked, I stammered, "Um. Ok. I need to get my wallet and keys out of my truck." He then proceeds to hand me his keys so that I can unlock it myself! Flawlessly, I find the Toyota key, unlock the door, and grab my stuff. I give him a quick hug and murmured some salutation and we left. The rest of the night was great. Before I left Dana's I said, "Remember that double date we went on? And I got hit with the ball?" We laughed. Good times!