Musings

Its been over 3 years since high school. It has certainly felt longer than that. But 3 years is a relatively short amount of time. Overcoming and moving past the confusion and pain of establishing or discovering our identities can certainly make 3 years seem longer. But the main thing I can pinpoint as the source of almost all of my pain during those crazy four years in high school was depression. I have a feeling that if this problem hadn't been addressed as soon as it was that my self-security wouldn't be as strong. I remember how I used to get so anxious about what other's thought of me - as if their opinion was part of the whole definition of me. But I've learned that the only person who really knows me is me. And its up to me to obtain and maintain happiness. It is so easy to give people too much power over us. Of course it is necessary to maintain a healthy balance with our close friends, family, and peers; but, there is certainly a line that needs to be clearly marked. If we give someone the power to send us in anxious turmoil and serious doubt and marked unhappiness when nothing productive can come out of it then we lose a sense of ourselves. I struggle now to clearly describe this line. Because sometimes we need a reality check and when this can improve our life then it is welcomed. So it takes a conscious effort to property delegate power over our conscious to other people. Take for example the last two notes in my LJ. At first I became anxious, defensive, and angered at ignorance. But then I realized that I didn't have to prove to anyone who I really was. But a part of me still wanted to defend. After I left my note I made a conscious decision to leave the inconsiderate judgments of old high school peers back in high school where they belong. I realized that having an LJ argument was the first indication that all words exchanged were directly reminiscent of those insecure high school days. Regression. I'm not sure why I'm having all these deep complex thoughts. Various musings during the day add up at night when I am constantly faced with the harsh realities of adolescence as they come crying through Emily's door. Literally. I can't wait for her to get it over and done with.