Not an easy thing to do

I let myself get too far. This has been an interesting weekend with my parents gone and him back in town for now a longer and undetermined amount of time. (Don't worry, I am not speaking of yielding to carnal temptation.) I finally let myself understand this last night when the only thing keeping me in the fellowship hall was him. This being how I fired off all of my guards and let myself get too deep. The beginnings of an addiction! Bittersweet. Feeling a burning yes, but knowing that even if the ball were in my court, too much doubt reigns in my heart towards him. This is my last night in an empty house. No parents to answer to. No pressure. So I will spend this last evening with him as if I had no cares in the world. As if our innocent flatware imitations meant nothing beyond our close friendship. As if falling into his embrace before I leave confirmed our close friendship. He deserves and would want me to communicate this with him, but I don't want him to act differently toward me. That might make things more complicated. Hmm. What should I say? One might gather from this post that I am suffering from unrequited "love." It's odd because some days I couldn't be any more unattracted to him and convinced that we couldn't be more wrong for each other. Completely turned off by him! Then I fall into this sweet spot where I can cuddle in emotional intimacy coupled with innocent affections. And knowing it would never really work between us lets me enjoy my time with him for what it is. But then I can't really see that line. What is it? Its blurry. I find myself wanting to be attractive to him, to spend a lot of my time with him, and thinking about him. But then that once OCD-free doubt lights and it soon becomes OCD. Back to the days of Brad, trying to convince doubts out of my mind, all the while growing more and more anxious. And before I know it I don't know how I really feel. Happiness and anxious depression mix--redefining the former.