Seemingly shallow

I can't quite sum up the conflicting emotions that set up residence in my heart this evening and the anxiety provoking thoughts they accompany. I have a friend who I grow closer to every time we spend time together. He is much older than all my other friends and myself. He is a bit odd in this fact and in his personality. Tonight they didn't mesh. The impartial spectator might assume they did, but my reservations and insecurities tell another story. The very reason why so much weight is added to this inner conflict is that I am aware of and insecure of my feelings for him. Although grounded in friendship, I want it to be more. At the same time I fear the opinion and judgment of my close peers, in regards to him personally and our growing relationship. Nothing outright, but their subtle uneasiness in his presence signals their disapproval. Perhaps this only occurs in my mind as I seek to find validation through my friends. Nevertheless, this hinders my heart from relaxing so that I can successfully explore possibilities. Unwelcome intrusive obsessive thoughts take over almost with my knowing as my reservations and attraction strengthen.