When It Falls

a general overtone clouds most of my thoughts day in and day out it is one of covering the real person I am the intense criticism of others, ulterior motives, poor attitude, very lazy approach to life i even try to hide from myself but i can't all the time if they only knew they wouldn't think the same way about me me me me that truly is what i care about "the best heart of anyone i know" he said well, he would never say that about me but i could stage it so he might think that and view me as something special to love perhaps he and others really see right through it and know i'm a huge faker if i was really concerned about following the Truth it would show differently nothing would need to be broadcasted or thoroughly explained you would just know but you don't unless i tell you oh i won't tell you right out but i will orchestrate events and dialogue to convey that idea about me to you so that when i walk away i know that you think highly of me perhaps set me higher than others so that one day when i die you will be among hundreds who will mourn my passing and my oh so blinding caring compassionate honest heart thats what i want you to say but even i begin to see right through my hallow motives you see i have to convince myself that i am better than i am so that i can portray that to you so that when you leave my sweet presence you will think of me and cherish me so that i am not alone someone else is with me thinking about me instead of me being alone thinking of all the others who really are great wonderful people and carry a true christ-like spirit that i long to genuinely carry let me give you a tip so you can see even better right through the lie i will talk your ear off most of the time its all about me but if its not don't be fooled i may just like to hear the sound of my voice and the persuasiveness of my arguments because i want to fill your mind of the greatness of me me me me i don't deserve the love of "the best heart" or of the speaker of those words

but when i am faced with this somewhere deep inside without being able to be fully expressed i see that who i am isn't all this but deserving of love because i am actually normal i'm not alone my pride my selfishnes my critical attitude my laziness my cruelty my self-absorption my pride my my my humanism is buried deep inside but i want to know that i'm ok with all these faults so i talk and talk and think and think and want you to see me in a certain light for if you saw all this you would want nothing to do with just as i often feel my fear is to be faced with myself in you so im not preying on your good heart attitude and motives i just need it to balance the awfulness that lives deep inside of me

this very entry is a perfect example just a new approach total honesty i can't escape it everything i do seems to have some forethought involved to illicit a desired action from another did it work? you must be thinking about me and wondering the true contents of my heart coupled with admiration for my eloquent description of my thoughts you must not want me to believe all this about me it worked and so i have failed myself again i wish i could lay down everything without it tinging on something ulterior a desired response maybe the fact that i am writing to someone else is the very problem i should be writing to me and face myself instead of
always anticipating an audience how disgusting once again

oh how awful hell must be