Interview

Check it out here.
Here is a transcript:

Tim: Thank you for your interest in my Interview project. For this project, I will begin by asking you a very general question. This question is intentionally vague to allow you to introduce yourself and to give some background information about yourself.The world is very diverse, and so are the people who make up the world. Some people spend their entire lives in the city, while others spend their lives in the rural environment. Some people live there entire lives within miles of where they were born, while others have traveled all over the world. Some people's lives involve, for the most part, only a few close relationships, while other people's lives involve an entire community. However, because of the great variety of people in the world, everyone has one thing in common: everyone has a life story to tell: a story they can call their own and a story that sets them apart from anyone else. What is your life story?

Erin: My life story has been anything but stationary: stationary in the sense of physical dwelling. I was born on New Year's Day, 1984 in San Angelo, Texas and lived in Round Rock, Texas for the next 5 years. Shortly after my sister born in 1989, my family and I moved to Meridian, Mississippi. This is where my elementary career took place. My mother, who worked for Comcast Cable Company, was promoted and we relocated to Havre de Grace, Maryland. I was 11. The horrific middle school days were enjoyed in this small town. It was my mother's job again, this time she worked for Johnson Controls, Inc., that we packed our bags and headed west to Sycamore, IL. High school (1998-2002) happened here. When I graduated in 2002, I went to school at Freed-Hardeman University in Henderson, Tennessee. It only took one semester before I couldn't stand it. So I decided to leave. My family was relocated at the start of 2003, so I left Tennessee for Tuscaloosa, Alabama. I have lived here for 2 1/2 years. I love it.

T: In 21 years, you have lived in San Angelo, Round Rock, Meridian, Havre de Grace, Sycamore, Henderson and Tuscaloosa. Not only did all of this happen in 21 years, but much of this happened in your childhood and teen-age years. It is these years that many people associate with spending most of their times with friends and for some building live-long friendships. Considering that you have lived in more places than some people do in a lifetime, how had moved impacted your friendships as well as yourself? Have you been able to keep in contact with friends even after moving? Do you believe that some of your interests are a result of how often you have moved?

E: I have managed to acquire the skill to make true sincere friendships within a short amount of time, 2 or 3 years, as opposed to a lifetime. I have never moved into these cities with the mindset of, "Oh, this is just a pit stop. I'll only be here a short while." All the times I moved, I associated with people with the intent that I would be physically around for long while. At first it was innocence and now it's become a matter of just living for today. As I've gotten older, I can see a difference in me and other girls my age who have lived in the same house all her life. The friendships she cultivated are due to security of having the same peers since elementary school. On the other hand, I put more effort in to start, secure, and grow a friendship so that it is something that will be a part of my life no matter where either person may end up. I am still in contact with my closest friends from each period of my life. I recently got back in touch with my softball cronies of my elementary days and because now I live only an hour and half away, I plan to reunite. My best friend in high school has made several moves and significant life choices, but I can tell you about significant dates in her near future that are important, her goals and ambitions, and how she views the world. I am up to date with my best friend in Maryland. I know her school changes, what her family is doing, and her same sweet heart. I still manage to keep in periodic contact with the only good friend I made while in Tennessee. But all this only happened because of various resources on the Internet and personal information that, fortunately, never changed (phone numbers, etc.). This positive history, gives me confidence as I watch my best friend in college marry and move off. Because I had the opportunity to travel and open my eyes to the world and its possibilities, I have cultivated a confidence in myself and the world I live in. I know that no matter where I go, I am home because of how I have developed myself and the family of friends that I have and will make. I am trying to draw a connection between my interests and my periodic moving. I know that I have met many different people with different backgrounds and interests. And along the way I have picked up just as many passionate interests that I am pursuing now and others I will pursue in the future.

T: It seems as if you have had good friends throughout your life and, from that, good support from others. However, something everyone, some more than others, deals with, is struggle.Sometimes, the struggle is caused by well-known events, such as wars and other times, it is caused by something few people know about, such as a parent's death. Regardless of how well known the events that lead up to a struggle are, each and every one of us is affected on a personal level by out struggles. What is the largest struggle you have encountered so far in your life?

E: The largest struggle I have encountered in my life is mental illness. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and depression. Only, for the last 3 years have I been able to call it by a name and receive treatment. All growing up I can remember anxiety tear me up. When I was little I was terrified of vomiting. As soon as I became aware of the threat of sickness that involved vomiting, my mind would begin to obsess about me getting sick and eventually vomiting. I would become so anxious that I would inevitably throw up and then it would take days to recover and "trust" that normal eating wouldn't cause further vomiting. In junior high I was convinced that I had an STD, even though I had never even been kissed, let alone participated in any sexual act. When this obsession hit, I got out all my old copies of Sassy magazine and educated myself on all the symptoms. "What if" thinking caused a considerable amount of anxiety and guilt. The move from Maryland to Illinois triggered depression. I suffered from clinical depression all the way through high school. Various OCD thoughts came up as well. I would go through times of high anxiety because a thought such as, "What if I'm pregnant" consumed my thoughts. Of course I hadn't engaged in any sexual activity, but the thoughts were just as controlling. My senior year in high school was a dreadfully odd year. I had a serious boyfriend for the first time, yet from the very beginning I suffered from intense anxiety and couldn't understand why. As the relationship progressed the anxiety increased. It tore me up that the anxiety was toward my boyfriend. The obsession took the form of questioning the "rightness" of the relationship and my love for him. I felt trapped in this hell of anxiety and by the end of my senior year our relationship ended. So depression and anxiety were at an all time debilitating high. My parents didn't understand and that caused a considerable amount of strife as well. When I started in school in TN, the anxiety worsened, if that even seemed possible. For the first week every day was a panic attack. There were a couple moments when my heart would slow down and I could actually make friends and gain some sort of comfort. In the beginning of that semester I started obsessing about whether I was gay or not. (Mind you the subject of the obsession are only related to the illness of OCD and not sexual orientation.) But I didn't understand this. I was at a Christian college and from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed I was obsessing and panicking and going crazy over these thoughts. Finally, I saw a psychologist. It was a free service offered to students and that had a great deal to do with breaking down and seeking help. My mom didn't understand how grave the situation was and the thought of therapy or medication seemed ridiculous. So I finally got on medication and regular therapy. But the environment of that Christian college didn't help recovery. So with my relocating to Alabama and the rest of the family to follow that summer, I decided to restart. It has been 2 1/2 years and I am the happiest I have ever been. OCD isn't much of a factor for me anymore. It gets triggered by life changes, but I know how to get through it. I never regret that semester in TN. I realized my strength or rather God's strength through me. I know now that I can get through any situation. But part of getting through anything is having faith in others and allowing others to help. That's the courage part.

T: I know it can be very difficult for us to share our struggles with other people, and I would like to thank you for sharing what you have been through with us. For many of us, we can't even imagine the things you have been through. Living in constant doubt and fear and not being able to trust your own body takes a very large toll on a person. It takes a very strong person to go through the things you have been through. During times of struggle, many people rely on others, such as friends, family or God for strength, support and guidance. How did you deal and cope with OCD when your struggles were the most intense? Can you share an instance when you were having particularly difficult time with OCD and how you handled it?

E: I remember an instance when I was in my dorm room with my roommate and I was doing anything to avoid just sitting with my thoughts, but I had to appear like the enormous irrational fears and anxiety didn't rule my every thought and carry on a halfway normal conversation. But I wanted desperately to be alone and somehow release and express the great wretchedness inside of me. Finally, she took her leave. As soon as she left and shut that door, I hit my knees. That particular angle with my back to the doors, facing my bed is an image I can easily recall. I remember just begging and sobbing and praying that God would help me. "Help me, God, please, please..." I groaned in half sobs and pleas with my face on the floor and admitting my complete and utter dependence on Him, all the while hoping no one would walk in on this very desperate moment. I always sought refuge through God and nature. I put so many miles on my truck during that semester because as soon as class was over, I left the campus to be alone with God and talk and pray. I didn't even realize it then that I was completely dependent on God. I just knew that I had very little control in my situation. I think when we call on God we think he is going to reach down and fix things, only he does but not in the way we expect. One way he comforted me was through my mom. I remember checking my mail and enjoying her sweet cards. For a brief moment I could see some light at the end of the tunnel and that there were three special people north of me who thought about me every day. When I went home for a funeral me and mom were at my sister's soccer practice and I remember trying to explain this mental illness and I related it to the Rolling Stones song, Painted Black. Every normal moment or sound or conversation is black. She put her arm around me and said to me, "Just because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't mean I can't. Just believe me. There is. I know it." Being wrapped in my mothers arms and spilling my tears and experiencing a moment of hope was how I got through those times. I would see the psychologist at least once a week. It was great relief to finally shed some light on things I always just thought was how I was. I realized in those sessions that there were other people like me, that I wasn't alone, and that I would get better. I had many resources at my disposal, and that was God answering my prayers.

T: You mentioned that you moved to Alabama 2 1/2 years ago and that you are now the happiest you have ever been. You also mentioned that OCD isn't much of a factor for you anymore. Considering that you once used to obsess about vomiting, contracting an STD and even pregnancy without engaging in any sexual activity, it is obvious that you are a lot different now than how you were before. What is the thing that made the difference? Was it a single event in your life, or was it a gradual process? How did this change come about?

E: A gradual process has brought out change and continues today. With medicinal and talk therapy, I started making progress. Basically, I had to learn how to think differently. Automatic thoughts were tackled. I had to slow down my thought processes to catch negative automatic thinking. Strengthening my coping skills was vital. In a way, various single events caused this gradual process. Each luminous mountain was a challenge that I had to somehow find the courage to overcome. Now, the mountains I once covered are mere hills and are everyday getting flatter. For instance: When I first came to Tuscaloosa, starting at the community college was scary. I felt like I would never be able to complete college or be on my own again. But the community college was small and close to home (the apartment me and my mom lived in) and similar to high school. No big deal. But every time I would go downtown and drive down the strip on the big scary University drive. That's when I started sweating. "How do these kids stay sane living here? Dorm rooms? How do they hold on to mental clarity and succeed?" I couldn't square in my mind being a part of university life and being happy and healthy. To me it was a scary place, full of dread, and unhappiness. I knew I would one day transfer here if I were to get my degree, but that was further down the road. Phew! The first couple of weeks that I actually started at the university were very scary. (This is fall 2004). OCD triggered and I had to cope and deal with all these irrational thoughts associated with my first college experience. As of today I am on my 3rd semester of college there and would be more distraught if I had to go to the community college to pursue nursing instead of the great University of Alabama! Easy terrain. On to another mountain! So with each scary, challenge, OCD and depression triggering experience, I grew stronger because I had the mental capacity to change how I allowed my mind to work. That is the difference of being on medication and not. Now 2 1/2 years later, I'm not so worried about the next change in my life.

T: One of the most important things in life are the lessons we learn. Many times, we gain the best experience and learn the most about life and ourselves during the difficult times of our lives. It's often the case that people grow when they are challenged than when they are not. It is very important to not allow the difficult times of our lives overcome us but to instead learn from them. What lessons have you learned from your experiences with OCD?

E: I have learned......that hard times don't last forever. It is so convincing when in the throes of mental anguish that life will always be this way, but it never fails that it soon ends...that mental illness is still misunderstood, despite our all-accepting society. The overall idea is accepted, but not the day-to-day agonies that add up to finally point to an "obvious" diagnosis. ...that OCD has strengthened me -- endurance, compassion, mental and emotional resilience, resolve, hope...that I am not alone. OCD and depression are very isolating and this never helps symptoms. But I now know that I was never "crazy."...the hard way (the best way) what Paul learned, "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." While I was the weakest, during my first semester of college I was strongest. I was taking 17 hours and my GPA for that semester was 3.7. I made lasting friends. I was part of the most elite choir who practiced daily, traveled everywhere, and upheld the highest standards. All this while OCD and depression were seemingly ruining my life!...that depending on others was necessary for comfort and progress. Knowing that you can't depend solely on yourself is scary, but necessary to be truly happy and successful at anything

T: Earlier, you mentioned that you are doing better now than you were before and that you are now the happiest you have ever been. I asked you before to detail the struggle you faced with OCD. Now, can you detail what your life is like now? How is your life different now than before? What makes your life now the happiest it has ever been? Can you give an example of a recent situation when you were happy that would not have been possible three years ago?

E: My life right now is steady, although, this summer is a sort of a waiting room for my life to take direction. I will be finishing my prerequisites and finding out which nursing school I will go to and that will determine when I graduate and if I pursue an additional degree. Also many of my friends are getting married and that makes me focus on my own love life or lack there of. Right now I have a month break before I start my next summer class. So I have been "busy" relaxing and hanging out with my new friend. Before OCD and depression were my main concern, whether I knew it or not. Life was more about surviving: getting past the anxiety, the thoughts, the darkness. I mean I still did the things I do today, but now my mind is clearer. My daily duties are more fulfilling because I can see how it keeps me moving to the bigger picture - graduating, a job, financial security, more free-time, etc. I still have occasional bouts with OCD and depression but it isn't all consuming. It seems like it sometimes, but the reality is that I have control and I know these episodes don't last. I recently became friends with this guy. The nature of the relationship is quite different than I have ever experienced. Its mirrors the intimacy that I enjoy in my relationships with my girlfriends, but it's with a guy. He's not gay either so the attraction I have for him isn't obsolete. It seems with any new relationship with a guy that I am even somewhat attracted to, OCD rears its ugly head. Before this OCD would simply take over my life and the relationship with this guy would be either be avoided or driven me nuts. But today I can deal with the OCD and make the relationship work. And slowly the OCD goes away as I keep fighting it. And before I know it I've achieved something I (irrationally) thought possible -- a meaningful friendship that makes me happy.

T: Many people believe that humans, by nature, are very relational; most people believe that without relationships, life is not worth living. People gain many things from relationships, such as people to talk to when they are bothered, people to rely on when they do not feel well and people to simply share life with. One additional thing people gain from relationships is wisdom from others; when people are not sure what to do, they frequently go to their friends and family for advice. What advice do you have for others? What advice would you give to those who are going through a similar experience that you have gone through? What advice would you give to a person who may not have shared the experiences you have been through?

E: I have been pondering the idea of power. And I realized that we give people, events, situations, etc, too much power. But even if this is negative it doesn't have to have a negative affect on us. My friend and I have been discussing "Optimistic Realism." Optimism is: A tendency to expect the best possible outcome or dwell on the most hopeful aspects of a situation. Realism is: An inclination toward literal truth and pragmatism. So my advice for others is: Realize that you have the power to choose how you will be affected by any situation that comes your way. Although the life event, either positive or negative, will come we can choose whether it will be beat us down, build us up, or have no effect at all. For people who struggle with mental illness this is key to survival. The real part of depression and anxiety is that it is a painful monster that can sap the vitality from our lives. But the optimistic part is not letting it get to your soul. That's where hope is. Know that depression and anxiety are sharpening your will and increasing your strength and courage. But the key to all this is knowing and believing that anxiety and depression will not beat you and that it will go away (either through medication, therapy, or something!) If you give depression and anxiety power in that you lose hope that you will ever be free of the monster then it has beaten you! Despite the pain, participate in life as if it weren't there. Life isn't anxiety and depression. For people who don't have the experience of battling a mental illness my advice to you is to realize that people who go through these experiences think differently. Observe the world around you, closely. Don't dismiss lethargy for laziness. Don't dismiss symptoms of depression for impatience or a bad attitude. Challenge yourself to look deeper, beyond what you see. There is a whole world of unspoken pain that you need to tap into and be a beacon of hope. Everyone needs that light at the end of a tunnel. Encourage and reassure that there is in fact a light.

T: Thank you very much for participating in my interview. It was very nice to be able to hear able the struggles you have encountered in your life and how you have chosen to deal with them. It is very encouraging to find out how you overcame OCD and have grown from your encounters with it. Thank you again for sharing the things you have experienced in life and allow others to learn from it. Thank You!