"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart..."

I start Weight Watchers today. I'm excited and nervous. First, I don't want this to be yet another futile attempt to make desired changes. Second, it is imperative that I succeed in this. I don't mean never make a mistake, just succeed.

Rick caught me off guard last night. First, its important to say that he called me while I was at work requesting my presence to study. He had been working hard on his class assignment and asked if I would massage his shoulders. No problem. So I turned him into putty and let him continue with his work. Then he got up and came into the living room and said, "I think that's something that blurs the line and maybe we shouldn't do." I said, "What? No it doesn't!" He said, "Well, for me. That is something I would do for a girlfriend." As he walked back into the other room, I mumbled, "Oh, ok..." This nasty feeling washed over me and I almost left. I thought to myself, Does that mean he has feelings for me or that the action itself is reserved for someone who is more than a friend? But massaging each other's shoulders isn't new. Why does he mention this now? Blur the lines. When I say this, I mean I have feelings for him beyond friendship. Is this what he means? If so, is that something to stop? If so why? Once again, I'm not good enough. So its almost 1:30am now and he finally finished his report that I typed and tweaked. He gave me one of his fabulous hugs where he just stands and holds me. I am about to get into my car and we are still chatting. He says, "Hey give me a call when you're on the road or something. Or, I'll call you." For some reason that also caught me off guard. And when I told him I was going to Atlanta this weekend he made a couple comments that he would be all by his lonesome, but I reminded him that I would be back in town Sunday and we could hang out and watch Dukes of Hazard that afternoon. That appeased him.

Am I getting closer? Am I delving deeper into his heart? I think he is being a typical guy and can't see what's in front of his face. The wonderful things he says to me, I always wonder why he doesn't just stop looking and see me. Its almost like I am this wonderful woman he has been looking for. Well, one day I hope he sees. I can't help but be reminded of the short story "The Beast in the Jungle" by Henry James. Perhaps one day I will call his attention to this incredibly disturbing piece of literature.