Disaster

Somewhere around 7pm yesterday (just 3 hours after I was so sure of things) things took a turn for the worst. Perhaps it was my growing excitement and fear about seeing him at church. Maybe it was when I found out that Wayne's mom died. Maybe it was because I didn't get to sit with him like I had wanted and planned. All through the sermon I just kept falling. I wrote this note to Micah (who was sitting next to me): I've got much on my heart and mind. And I can tell already I won't be able to concentrate on this guy's lesson. I wish my heart didn't put so much weight on things that could be so simple. So even after the lesson my heart continued to ache and the tears were coming. So I sat down with Amanda and spilled and cried and she encouraged me to sit down and talk with Rick. So I did. Of course just being with him made me feel better. Things were resolved and he completely understood. Still friends, but a rare type of friendship. Part of the reason why he can't completely return feelings is because "the chemistry isn't there." He went further to explain that chemistry is that immediate physical attraction. But he wanted to make sure I understood that he found me attractive, but because of his "pornographic background" my beauty isn't fully realized. Ok, I know this must sound like a load of crap, but this is Rick we are talking about. And the only way I can explain him and his thought processes is delightfully odd. I know that his words on this aren't a bunch of crap and his words weighed out. It's honest. But I can't help but recall Jerry and why that didn't pan out. He just wasn't that attracted to me. This just brings to light my unhappiness with my weight. Part of my wants to be really determined and lose weight so this won't be a reason why a potential relationship doesn't happen -- again. But I am afraid my ulterior motive would be to "make" Rick want me more than a friend. Either way I am still recovering from all the heartache last night. And I am worried that being friends with Rick just won't be possible without it sapping my heart dry.