Stream of Consciousness

Monday, February 13, 2006

Lonely in Tuscaloosa

As Valentine's day approaches my singledom has become more apparent to me. I've always thought, "I'd rather be single for the rest of my life rather than settle." I'm a happy single person (most of the time). But when I started to see someone as someone I could be with, then being happy and single was more difficult to manage. Nights became lonely. Days filled with thoughts of him. But what makes this complicated for me is that right now he isn't in a position to date. And no, I'm not talking about a married man. I've become paralyzed with fear when I'm around him for fear of coming across as obsessed. So it begins to hurt because I'm holding back and (from what I can gather) he is possibly holding back. So then I begin to reason with myself about holding out for something that isn't there. I don't want to waste my life waiting and agonizing over something that may never be - all the while, missing out on something real that could come along. Whatever the case, Valentine's day is around the corner and more than ever I feel alone and missing and wanting real love that I can hang my heart on.