Dear Michelle

My sister is selfish. Yes, we all are to an extent, but many times it is so blatant. There is no attempt to try to care more for others. I know she has a good heart and she does care about others, but her actions and her words say otherwise. Its in the little things. Does she have any concern for anyone when she neglects to save some hot water after countless times reminding her to save some, to not play her music too loud when I'm going to bed and once again I've got to tell her to turn it down, and when I ask her to do me a favor and she forgets again. Over time these things, among others, add up. And then you wonder where it happened. When a small thoughtless action became big enough to make you worry. Then its in the big stuff. The way she reacts to people. She challenges people with her smart, mostly impolite, mouth and stubborn attitude. She doesn't stop and think, "You know maybe I shouldn't say the first thing that pops up in my mind because every other time people don't like it and ask me to stop." She jumps all up on me when she senses an attitude in my voice when I respond to hers. But when confronting her about her attitude she can't possibly understand why there could be any fault with her. Then when you say something she doesn't like she says the most rudest thing. For instance she'll "Sshh" me when in midsentence and occasionally say some very unchristian like words. I know most of this must be with age. And I know a good part of it has to do with mom and dad and the way they've raised her. But the biggest part is her. She can control it. At some point the changes I made to act like Christ came when I realized that I wasn't. Not through my parents, but just watching reactions and wanting to be better. And then that brings me to another problem - Emily being a Christian. She thinks she is because she goes to church and was baptized. I know she prays at night and maybe even during the day. But I seriously wonder sometimes about her future about getting serious about being a Christian. To be more concerned with living for God than herself. Maybe I just don't convey this enough. Maybe I live in my head too much and don't verbalize things that I should. I know mom and dad do to an extent but its hard to hear them because their actions are just too loud. We've both sort of lost some respect for out dad over the years and its hard to listen to him (there's a long vague story behind this one). So I began to realize that I am her loudest example. Its up to me to make sure that she really understands the daily love and sacrifice that goes into being a real Christian. Emily and I both graduate next year. Its my plan to have her move in with me. I want to create a less oppressive and happy environment for her and show her how to live differently. Live for Christ both in thought and in action. When I hung out with Kelsey Saturday night and Sunday morning I saw a HUGE gap between her and Emily. I do understand that Kelsey is more mature and more focused on Christ than Emily, but I chalk that up to parenting and personality. Both things I can't touch. But it still hurts because Emily is missing out on so much. I can tell that Emily thinks Kelsey is the one who lacks something because she is more of a homebody who wears dresses every Sunday and is quiet. Emily misses life when she escapes into the internet for hours and begins to invest herself in the world and its problems (not drinking, smoking, sex, etc - more being self-involved and generally caring for things of the world which we all do to an extent). I don't know what to do anymore. Dad just likes to yell and demand things instead of working with her. And usually I'm busy with school or avoiding her because its hurts to see and watch her live her life the way she does. Here I am making her out to be some kind of miserable spawn of satan. She isn't. She has a good heart. But all her complications and struggles remind me when I was her age. Of course all through high school I was depressed and finally got treated when I left home. I worry about that with Emily, but mom and dad think I'm pushing my problems on her because I see some tendencies. Depression runs in our family. Maybe she doesn't have any problems with depression and it is all just teen angst and her misaligned priorities. Maybe. Maybe not. But I find myself in this situation time and time again. Stuck. Not knowing how to address the problem so she'll listen. Not knowing how to help her change or be more balanced. Not knowing how to break out of my old habits to help her out of hers. So when things are going well, I forget these things exist. And when they do surface I spend more time avoiding it hoping it will go away. That's all

Spring Break: Day 1

Woke up around 8am as the Wheat's Carpet One boys came in and got to work. Went downstairs, ate breakfast, and watched disc 2 of season 1 of One Tree Hill. Dad and I managed through it. Definitely getting better. Took a shower and got ready for work. As soon as I parked, the rain came down harder. I looked for my umbrella and couldn't find it. So I ran for it. Panting and dripping wet, I began to get to work. The ceiling is starting to leak. Of course its right next to the cash register. Kat and I managed to collect most of it in the plastic trash can, the plastic cup holder, the metal trash can (that started leaking), and the cooler. As soon as I finish folding, sizing, and putting away the football t-shirts, I'm going to start reading chapter 36 in my good ole Med/Surg book. Tonight, I'm gonna finish laundry and try to fix Emily's tv/stereo combo so I can watch OTH up there. I'm finding myself thinking about OTH and what's going to happen next. I didn't think I was going to get hooked. But I guess I am. Kerri would be proud!