Personal Problems
There is something wrong. I tend to want to jump ahead and place the blame on the person who provokes the feelings that begin to stir inside and the subsequent actions. A wall is building. I can tear it down if I can just lower my pride and stubbornness. But its not that simple. Something to do with depression. Because that nasty stirring is the same. My insecurity. I approach every word that comes out of her mouth as a test: I have to defend everything. Nothing is a joke. I must end up on top and be superior. WHY? Perhaps it has something to do with our personality differences. Or I recognize that she is a better person than me. She is unselfish, tenderhearted, sensitive, uncritical, avid bible student, and eager to evangelize. All qualities that I lack or are underdeveloped. Do I feel threatened by her? I know I'm hurting her with my tone, smart remarks, and shortness. A good friend would cherish these qualities about her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. But I don't. I find a spot that I'm on top of and belittle her and make sure I'm better. How horrible. But here's the worst part. I don't know how to stop. I react out of pain or a perceived threat. Its a habit. Then when I see her getting along better with people close to me that I may have some problems getting along with I feel jealous and completely walled off from having positive interactions with her or anyone I have problems getting along with. I feel even more that there is something wrong with me or the situation. And when I'm realizing all this I act worse because it hurts that my personality and/or habits are sabotaging my relationships. And more than ever at this time I can't see my way out of the messes I create. Sometimes I really don't like myself and wonder who or what I've become.
posted by The Light Fantastic at
2:19 PM
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