Not knowing

What a day. My two best friends are dealing with something that they cannot share with me. It still hurts when I think about it. First, anger because I didn't understand. I still don't fully. It only seemed like they were keeping it from me because of technicalities. But I see now its more of a matter of confidentiality. I still want to know. Second, pain because I i was left out. As immature and childish as it sounds - Erin isn't included. These two people normally tell me everything. It felt betrayed that they would have their conversation away from me in private so that I would stay uninvolved. I am still not entirely accepting this. Mustering up maturity. I know they want to tell me but cannot. They aren't keeping it from me because they want to. I thought our relationship superseded this because our friendship and relationship in Christ meant that we are family - an extension of each other. At least that's how I feel. Mustering up maturity. But I understand sometimes things just cannot be shared even with our loved ones. This is hard to accept. I want to know what is going on in the lives of the ones I love. In and out of the day the shades and shadows of The Situation undulate in my perception. What I don't know and what they know and what it could be. My feelings swell and stretch. I see from greater heights. But it hurts. Will I ever know? Is it important that I know? Mustering up maturity. But what I know is that they need prayers and my support. They are only doing what is right and I admire them somewhat for that. So, let me attempt to assign it to the "Not So Important" box. Let me forget for a while so I can address what is of greater importance - those I love themselves not what they know and cannot share.

When It Falls

a general overtone clouds most of my thoughts day in and day out it is one of covering the real person I am the intense criticism of others, ulterior motives, poor attitude, very lazy approach to life i even try to hide from myself but i can't all the time if they only knew they wouldn't think the same way about me me me me that truly is what i care about "the best heart of anyone i know" he said well, he would never say that about me but i could stage it so he might think that and view me as something special to love perhaps he and others really see right through it and know i'm a huge faker if i was really concerned about following the Truth it would show differently nothing would need to be broadcasted or thoroughly explained you would just know but you don't unless i tell you oh i won't tell you right out but i will orchestrate events and dialogue to convey that idea about me to you so that when i walk away i know that you think highly of me perhaps set me higher than others so that one day when i die you will be among hundreds who will mourn my passing and my oh so blinding caring compassionate honest heart thats what i want you to say but even i begin to see right through my hallow motives you see i have to convince myself that i am better than i am so that i can portray that to you so that when you leave my sweet presence you will think of me and cherish me so that i am not alone someone else is with me thinking about me instead of me being alone thinking of all the others who really are great wonderful people and carry a true christ-like spirit that i long to genuinely carry let me give you a tip so you can see even better right through the lie i will talk your ear off most of the time its all about me but if its not don't be fooled i may just like to hear the sound of my voice and the persuasiveness of my arguments because i want to fill your mind of the greatness of me me me me i don't deserve the love of "the best heart" or of the speaker of those words

but when i am faced with this somewhere deep inside without being able to be fully expressed i see that who i am isn't all this but deserving of love because i am actually normal i'm not alone my pride my selfishnes my critical attitude my laziness my cruelty my self-absorption my pride my my my humanism is buried deep inside but i want to know that i'm ok with all these faults so i talk and talk and think and think and want you to see me in a certain light for if you saw all this you would want nothing to do with just as i often feel my fear is to be faced with myself in you so im not preying on your good heart attitude and motives i just need it to balance the awfulness that lives deep inside of me

this very entry is a perfect example just a new approach total honesty i can't escape it everything i do seems to have some forethought involved to illicit a desired action from another did it work? you must be thinking about me and wondering the true contents of my heart coupled with admiration for my eloquent description of my thoughts you must not want me to believe all this about me it worked and so i have failed myself again i wish i could lay down everything without it tinging on something ulterior a desired response maybe the fact that i am writing to someone else is the very problem i should be writing to me and face myself instead of
always anticipating an audience how disgusting once again

oh how awful hell must be

Dear Brandon

I have decided to listen to each of your songs and email you a critique. Sound good? It won't be in depth or anything, but it will help me to systematically listen and review your music. I think part of the reason we create art (whether that be music, acting, writing, painting, etc) is to reach out to others. We want people to experience our art because it is a reflection of who we are. We want people to experience us. To showcase our art is to say, "This is who I am. Let me share myself with you." I appreciate your honesty in your music and in your personality. You don't hold yourself back. Sometimes I find myself afraid to be totally me. I fear being too different. I think when people first encounter the B-Rizzle they are initially afraid because you are totally and completely you and aren't afraid of breaking the norm. And when people are confronted with this type of bold honesty they initially fight against it because it challenges them to also break out of the mold. I have to admit, this is how I initially responded to you. But I'm glad you didn't let it faze (sp?) you. I appreciate your friendship. I always find myself feeling more comfortable (part of the reason I initially fight against it) with the "weird" or "not-normals" because I feel I am weird and not normal myself! (Perhaps that is why people are intimidated by the odd-balls because some people are too cowardly to realize the odd-ball in themselves!) I'm not sure where this email is going. I just want you to know that you are a good friend and I look forward to becoming better friends. This turned out to be a quite a philosphic letter. I like it! I want to work on more of those crypic crosswords, but I would have to start on the VERY easy level to get my mind moving. I'm afraid that nursing school has turned my brain into a nursing ooze. But soon your brain will turn into a law school ooze. That ought to be fun! I like Soduko. But not the ones generated by the computer. The ones that are hand made have a component that the computer generated ones lack. A computer can't anticipate your logic. The hand-made ones are made almost knowing or sensing what your thinking and that is poses a fantastic challenge! Oh, when school starts if you EVER need study partner please give me a call. I don't like to study a lot by myself. Its so lonely. Just (quietly) being the presence of a few others will lift my spirit enough to create a good study mood. It seems I have a lot on my mind tonight. I haven't written in my blog in a while. Perhaps, I will post this email on there. http://luv2sing2u84.blogspot.com You have a good night. I'll call you tomorrow. I do have to study but I wouldn't be opposed to watching a movie, going to a used bookstore, going to the batting cages, or whatever. Night. Night.

--
Erin N. Giles, RN Student
www.searchingfortruth.com