Musings

Its been over 3 years since high school. It has certainly felt longer than that. But 3 years is a relatively short amount of time. Overcoming and moving past the confusion and pain of establishing or discovering our identities can certainly make 3 years seem longer. But the main thing I can pinpoint as the source of almost all of my pain during those crazy four years in high school was depression. I have a feeling that if this problem hadn't been addressed as soon as it was that my self-security wouldn't be as strong. I remember how I used to get so anxious about what other's thought of me - as if their opinion was part of the whole definition of me. But I've learned that the only person who really knows me is me. And its up to me to obtain and maintain happiness. It is so easy to give people too much power over us. Of course it is necessary to maintain a healthy balance with our close friends, family, and peers; but, there is certainly a line that needs to be clearly marked. If we give someone the power to send us in anxious turmoil and serious doubt and marked unhappiness when nothing productive can come out of it then we lose a sense of ourselves. I struggle now to clearly describe this line. Because sometimes we need a reality check and when this can improve our life then it is welcomed. So it takes a conscious effort to property delegate power over our conscious to other people. Take for example the last two notes in my LJ. At first I became anxious, defensive, and angered at ignorance. But then I realized that I didn't have to prove to anyone who I really was. But a part of me still wanted to defend. After I left my note I made a conscious decision to leave the inconsiderate judgments of old high school peers back in high school where they belong. I realized that having an LJ argument was the first indication that all words exchanged were directly reminiscent of those insecure high school days. Regression. I'm not sure why I'm having all these deep complex thoughts. Various musings during the day add up at night when I am constantly faced with the harsh realities of adolescence as they come crying through Emily's door. Literally. I can't wait for her to get it over and done with.

Sunday Tornadic Sunday

Saturday. Late evening. My cell phone rings. Its Rick. Odd, he never calls anymore. I happily answered. That disappeared as I realized he was calling because he needed something. I didn't try very hard to make conversation. He finally got to it. Something wrong with his battery. It may not start in the morning. Could I come pick him up for church. He added a nice touch when he informed me that he had already called and asked Micah. I immediately thought of my half tank of gas that would have to last the rest of the week and the trouble it would be to arrange something with my sister and/or parents. I agreed (not joyously, nor reluctantly) to pick him up for church. That night Emily and I decided that we would take her car. But since she and youth group would be going somewhere after church I would take Rick home right after church and have my parents wait for me at the church building. I would drop Emily's car off and hop in the car with my parents. But there were complications with that. What time would the youth group leave? Rick would want to stay after and chat for a little bit after church. Mom and dad wouldn't wait for me to come back. Frustrated with my family for not trying to work with me, I decide to take my car. The thought of three of our vehicles driving to the same place and wasting gas frustrated me. Saturday, payday, 6 days a way, loomed far ahead in the week. 8:20am I leave the house. I clean the passenger area and start looking forward to our conversation on the way to church. But I am a little frustrated that the only time Rick solicits my time or attention is when he needs something. I try to push that away. I arrive and call him. He walks out of his apartment with a toothbrush in his mouth. Patiently I wait. Five minutes later he walks to my car and opens it. He then informs me that his car started and he should keep his car running to charge the battery so he'll just drive to church. Angered I say, "Rick! Why didn't you call me?" He says, "I just did it!" as he lifts his eyebrows in defense and gestures to his car. I say, "Fine." He closes the door and I drive off. On the way to church I check the rear view mirror to make sure he got the car going. He did. Anger begins to boil. The heat comes from all his self-centered behavior that hurts my feelings and infuriates me. In the church parking lot I immediately locate Amanda and quickly rehash the events. Her first response was, "Ugh, why didn't he call?!" As we approach the door we notice Rick talking to dad. I couldn't help but smirk. He genuinely thanked me and said that he might need me after church to drive him home if his car doesn't start. I don't remember exactly what I said but I barely met his eyes and quickly walked away. I suspected that he would be getting Micah to help him out after church. After service I walk up to him and ask, "Did your car start?" He says, "Uh. Don't worry about it. Micah's going to help me out." He barely finished his sentence when I did a Micah gesture and walked away.

I feel bad for acting like a witchy nagging woman. Especially that yesterday (when all this went down) was his birthday. Now I doubt he will make any effort to upkeep any sort of friendship especially when he probably doesn't understand why I reacted the way I did. I mean before we were on good terms and he told me he loved me (not that that would detract from any Rick-centered behavior). And I am certainly not going to knock on his door and expend the effort to mend anything. He doesn't. And he can enjoy life making out with his "friend" and disappointing his "close" Christian friends.

I can't help but feel like Cristeta Moreruela towards Don Juan when she turned the tables.
Maybe one day...

Blah

I got my chest X-ray done for the positive TB skin test. I will get the results next Wednesday. Stopped by Rick's for a few minutes. Went home took a two hour nap. Went to class (pharmacology). Got my oil changed. Fed my facebook addiction. Need to study sometime tonight. I have a test tomorrow in Health Assessment. Not sure if I'm going to the TCSM coffee thing. My head hurts. I feel out of it and unable to study. Tomorrow I am going to campaign for the office of reporter. Hopefully mom and I can go to the dollar store and she can help me type up a cute creative "report" announcing my candidacy.

That's More Like It

Find Your Spot
1. Eugene, Oregon
2. Salisbury, Maryland
3. Corvallis, Oregon
4. Williamstown, Massachusetts
5. Fayetville, Arkansas
6. Northampton, Massachusetts
7. Milwauki, Oregon
8. Charleston, West Virginia
9. Middlebury, Vermont
10. Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts
11. Danbury, Connecticut
12. Burlington, Vermont
13. Frederick, Maryland
14. San Bernardino, California
15. Morgantown, West Virginia
16. Hot Springs-Hot Springs Villiage, Arkansas
17. Johnson, Vermont
18. Alexandria, Louisianna
19. Brattleboro, Vermont
20. Portland, Oregon
21. Amherst, Massachusetts
22. Salem, Oregon
23. Shreveport-Bossier City, Louisianna
24. Albuquerque, New Mexico

Dear Rick

I was thinking. (uh oh...)

Looking at your photo album. Your years at Freed and your loves. First, it unburies that regret, that pain from my semester at Freed. Despite that anxiety and depression ruined my first semester of college, I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed. Now, don't get me wrong. Moving to Alabama was an answer to many of my prayers. But still sometimes I wonder. And when I hear about your time at Freed or Bethany talks to me -- sometimes I wish I could go back and just see. Its like I missed out on something.

Now, when we flipped to Sarah's picture with you and the kids and you told me what one of her children said, "Will you marry mommy so you can be my daddy?" I just want to let you know that the pain in your eyes really stuck with me. I saw it once when we were talking about Joy. And I couldn't forget it. I really don't know what the purpose of this email is. Maybe just to let you know that when I see that you hurt it -- hurts me. I'm used to empathizing and sympathizing, but this was different. I found myself praying as I drove home that God would provide someone for you. It would be a horrible waste if you didn't get to spend the rest of your life with someone and share the intense love and passion that lives in your heart. I thought about all the people you impacted (mainly girls) with your love. And I felt privileged that I've had a chance to love you. And I feel like you deserve an apology. I haven't been treating you very nice lately. I guess its a part of me moving on -- feeling bitter -- but that's hardly an excuse. Its hard to accept things that don't seem fair. But hearing about your time in college and the years after to the present helped me to realize more than ever that I do have so much time (Lord willing). That if something doesn't work out right now the way I want it, doesn't mean that as time goes by and new people come into my life that I will not get to experience and give the intense love and passion that lives in my heart.

A couple years ago an older fellow fell in love with me. But I didn't return it. But his friendship was something that I fell on a lot at Freed and getting better in Alabama. I remember one day he really needed to talk to me. I knew what it was. He was going to tell me he loved me. But one thing he said to me I found myself recalling and applying to you. He said, "It will be a privilege to be able to be in heaven with you." I understood this, but not to the extent as I do now. See there are great things ahead. One day there won't be marrying or marriage in heaven and none of this falling in love with each other business. I smile to think that me, you, and some of those girls you fell in love with can be in heaven together with our Lord and be so happy. Rick, let's get to heaven.

Love,
Erin

Pizza's Ready!

Test Scores
Fundamentals of Nursing (Test 1): 88
Pharmacology (Test 1): 83.67

I think I am going to test positive for the TB Skin Test. This means I will have to get a chest x-ray. I called Rick to see when would be a good time to cut his hair today. He said he cut it himself. I said, "Rick!...Bye" and hung up on him. I was sorta playing around and thought he would call back. He didn't. Wow. He is self-centered and not worth my time (but I still love him). I want to run for an office in the Shelton State Association of Nursing Students (SSANS). My goal is to be president of SSANS and hold some office in the the Alabama Association of Nursing Students (AANS).

Reunion

I got about 3 hours of sleep last night. Its hard to tell how I did on the test. I would say average. Went to bed around 10am and woke up around 4pm. I love naps during the day on that couch all cuddled up in the knit blanket. Cancelled the hair cut for Rick, the study session with JD, and the food delivery with Amanda and Brooke. Still got the game at 9:15. My priorities are so in line. All the things that involved serving others I cancelled. I got back in touch with Shauntel Bruner! Our freshman year of high school we were best buds. "Blame It on the Weather Man" by B*Witched was our song. I remember at the homecoming football game (after putting tattoos on our face and her mom French braiding our hair) how she was upset about Evelyn and Neal. We left our seats and leaned against the fence around the field. She was upset and crying. I put my arm around her and sang the song in her ear. She went to Belgium the next year as a foreign exchange student. When she got back she was different. Not bad different, but more confident and sure of herself. In between Andra, depression, OCD, and Brad we managed to remain friends. Not as close as before. After graduation up until now I have continued to remember her. It seemed she fell off the face of the earth. Thank goodness for The Facebook. I am now back in contact with a friend who helped shape my past and influenced who I am today.

Finally left the Naughty Donkey

Test in Fundamentals went surprisingly well. I hope I’m not overshooting my confidence. I will find out Wednesday the results. Tomorrow morning at 8am I have a Pharmacology test. Then sometime tomorrow I am cutting Rick’s hair, helping JD with statistics, delivering food to people who moved here from Louisiana, and playing a softball game at 9:15pm. I have a lot of studying to do tonight. Started the coffee and took some Ritalin.

ERI World

I'm already burnt out. So much studying. I have two big tests next Monday and Tuesday. I have a feeling we are all going to be slammed by Williams.
I bought an interesting book today at Friends of the Library. It is entitled, The Hug Therapy Book" written by Kathleen Keating. I am now a "certified hug therapist." I have another long weekend ahead of me. Now that the frenzy of Katrina has simmered a bit we should expect a larger football crowd. Friday I work from 4-10 and Saturday 8-6:30 then maybe a couple hours after the game. At least the money will be good. I could really use it now.

3 Hours of Labor

I woke up 2pm. The day was gone and all I had time to do was eat and get ready for work. No studying. No spending time with Grandma. Devotional at 8pm. Small group of us, lead by Rick. I like our new POS terminals. Thank goodness for the wireless internet or I would think differently. I have my first test next Monday. Fundamentals of Nursing (6 credit hour course). If I pass the test Jenn is going to embroidery my green nursing bag. Don't want to put anything in stone (or cloth)!

Frazzled

I am so unorganized. I can't even think straight. I just spent $39 to put 13 gallons in my 15 gallon tank. I have barely $20 for the rest of the month. My car and room is a mess. Several things are due tomorrow that I forgot about. I can't log on to my class online and there is something due this week. Still need shots. Got to remember to turn in all the syllabi. There is a softball game tonight at 9:15 that a lot of people want me to play in. I haven't even opened my pharmacology book. I could go on. Just popped a Ritalin.