"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart..."

I start Weight Watchers today. I'm excited and nervous. First, I don't want this to be yet another futile attempt to make desired changes. Second, it is imperative that I succeed in this. I don't mean never make a mistake, just succeed.

Rick caught me off guard last night. First, its important to say that he called me while I was at work requesting my presence to study. He had been working hard on his class assignment and asked if I would massage his shoulders. No problem. So I turned him into putty and let him continue with his work. Then he got up and came into the living room and said, "I think that's something that blurs the line and maybe we shouldn't do." I said, "What? No it doesn't!" He said, "Well, for me. That is something I would do for a girlfriend." As he walked back into the other room, I mumbled, "Oh, ok..." This nasty feeling washed over me and I almost left. I thought to myself, Does that mean he has feelings for me or that the action itself is reserved for someone who is more than a friend? But massaging each other's shoulders isn't new. Why does he mention this now? Blur the lines. When I say this, I mean I have feelings for him beyond friendship. Is this what he means? If so, is that something to stop? If so why? Once again, I'm not good enough. So its almost 1:30am now and he finally finished his report that I typed and tweaked. He gave me one of his fabulous hugs where he just stands and holds me. I am about to get into my car and we are still chatting. He says, "Hey give me a call when you're on the road or something. Or, I'll call you." For some reason that also caught me off guard. And when I told him I was going to Atlanta this weekend he made a couple comments that he would be all by his lonesome, but I reminded him that I would be back in town Sunday and we could hang out and watch Dukes of Hazard that afternoon. That appeased him.

Am I getting closer? Am I delving deeper into his heart? I think he is being a typical guy and can't see what's in front of his face. The wonderful things he says to me, I always wonder why he doesn't just stop looking and see me. Its almost like I am this wonderful woman he has been looking for. Well, one day I hope he sees. I can't help but be reminded of the short story "The Beast in the Jungle" by Henry James. Perhaps one day I will call his attention to this incredibly disturbing piece of literature.

New Book

I went to The Foundry Thrift Store with Rick this past Saturday. I found a book entitled, How to Marry the Man of Your Choice written by Margaret Kent. I chuckled and showed it to Rick and on the way home I read some snippets aloud to him. The copy I found is the 1984 edition. But so far it doesn't seem out of date. If I don't catch Rick, I'll catch someone better!

Meaningful Quiz #24

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

That's Right!

Watch Me Change!

Better

Things have gotten a little better. My heart still aches at times. I just don't understand where this all came from. Normally, I would spend a moment here analyzing why my heart reacted so strongly Wednesday, but I won't. It just did. And now the feelings I have for him are unrequited.

This line in Micah's email me to really helped me: "Try to think over the span of your life, past, present, and future; and know that God is working throughout its span to bring you to where He wants." This got me thinking. Last summer I was involved with Jerry (for a month) and I knew that I wanted this guy. But it didn't work out partly because he "just wasn't that attracted to me." And now the summer of Rick is very similar. I mean its different and better in that we are close friends and that was established right off. But once again my attraction level is what hindered a possible relationship. And I know this could sound shallow, but I don't see it that way. Because I have noticed that I am not attracted to the bigger guy who is attracted to me and really sweet. I like those thin, average weight guys who are really sweet.

So maybe God is using Rick to prepare me for next summer's guy. I want to be more attractive, mainly physical. I'm pretty sure that I'm inwardly attractive. I've just go to portray this more to my physical appearance. Don't get me wrong. When all the factors (makeup, clothes, etc) come together I feel I look darn good. But my extra weight does a good job of burying my hotness!

So, I'll probably join Weight Watchers again (I've always had success in that) and take things one day at a time.

But inside I hope and pray that Rick is next summer's guy.

Disaster

Somewhere around 7pm yesterday (just 3 hours after I was so sure of things) things took a turn for the worst. Perhaps it was my growing excitement and fear about seeing him at church. Maybe it was when I found out that Wayne's mom died. Maybe it was because I didn't get to sit with him like I had wanted and planned. All through the sermon I just kept falling. I wrote this note to Micah (who was sitting next to me): I've got much on my heart and mind. And I can tell already I won't be able to concentrate on this guy's lesson. I wish my heart didn't put so much weight on things that could be so simple. So even after the lesson my heart continued to ache and the tears were coming. So I sat down with Amanda and spilled and cried and she encouraged me to sit down and talk with Rick. So I did. Of course just being with him made me feel better. Things were resolved and he completely understood. Still friends, but a rare type of friendship. Part of the reason why he can't completely return feelings is because "the chemistry isn't there." He went further to explain that chemistry is that immediate physical attraction. But he wanted to make sure I understood that he found me attractive, but because of his "pornographic background" my beauty isn't fully realized. Ok, I know this must sound like a load of crap, but this is Rick we are talking about. And the only way I can explain him and his thought processes is delightfully odd. I know that his words on this aren't a bunch of crap and his words weighed out. It's honest. But I can't help but recall Jerry and why that didn't pan out. He just wasn't that attracted to me. This just brings to light my unhappiness with my weight. Part of my wants to be really determined and lose weight so this won't be a reason why a potential relationship doesn't happen -- again. But I am afraid my ulterior motive would be to "make" Rick want me more than a friend. Either way I am still recovering from all the heartache last night. And I am worried that being friends with Rick just won't be possible without it sapping my heart dry.

I've Taken Care Of It

It's the 2nd day of not initiating communication. I mean, yesterday morning I emailed him with the artist of "The Air I Breathe." He thought it was Lonestar. I knew it wasn't. The Mavericks. And I IMed him before that even though he wasn't online. Haven't heard from him since I left Monday. Normally, this would upset me and I would build up enough resentment to either completely withdraw or give in a call. Although I could go in this direction if I dwelled on it enough, I have just accepted it. I took these steps backwards for this very reason. We aren't dating and he isn't going to treat me like his girlfriend. And I am more secure in our friendship now. I know how he feels towards me. And just as I don't necessarily have daily contact with Amanda and Dana, I shouldn't expect it from Rick. It's because I have and desired this more than with my other friends that it became a problem. Our relationship is in the realm of friendship.

Current Obsession: "The Air That I Breathe" by The Mavericks

I'm thinking about him. He's kinda been buzzing around in my mind -- sometimes in the back -- sometimes in the front. I noticed a change yesterday. Relaxed and happy to be in his presence, I would look up from my statistics book to watch him study. Delighted, I watched him when he doctored the burn on my arm. He seemed aware of my movements also. What was he thinking about? We "chased away the lonely birds" to a quarter past midnight, chatting about this and that, cuddling on his high up twin bed. What I had planned on discussing didn't seem important. And it wasn't. It didn't trouble me. It's something I can take care of.

Jerry just called. His voice reminds me of last year when I really fell for him. My heart is fragile! I already feel odd churnings. Having feelings for people is tough stuff. I really want to talk to Rick. I wish he would call me. But I can't call him. Even though last night was great I still need a few guards up so I can maintain a healthy friendship with Rick. Oh, but Jerry. My heart pounded when I saw his name flashing on my phone. I wish I was skinny. I could have both guys around my finger!

Not an easy thing to do

I let myself get too far. This has been an interesting weekend with my parents gone and him back in town for now a longer and undetermined amount of time. (Don't worry, I am not speaking of yielding to carnal temptation.) I finally let myself understand this last night when the only thing keeping me in the fellowship hall was him. This being how I fired off all of my guards and let myself get too deep. The beginnings of an addiction! Bittersweet. Feeling a burning yes, but knowing that even if the ball were in my court, too much doubt reigns in my heart towards him. This is my last night in an empty house. No parents to answer to. No pressure. So I will spend this last evening with him as if I had no cares in the world. As if our innocent flatware imitations meant nothing beyond our close friendship. As if falling into his embrace before I leave confirmed our close friendship. He deserves and would want me to communicate this with him, but I don't want him to act differently toward me. That might make things more complicated. Hmm. What should I say? One might gather from this post that I am suffering from unrequited "love." It's odd because some days I couldn't be any more unattracted to him and convinced that we couldn't be more wrong for each other. Completely turned off by him! Then I fall into this sweet spot where I can cuddle in emotional intimacy coupled with innocent affections. And knowing it would never really work between us lets me enjoy my time with him for what it is. But then I can't really see that line. What is it? Its blurry. I find myself wanting to be attractive to him, to spend a lot of my time with him, and thinking about him. But then that once OCD-free doubt lights and it soon becomes OCD. Back to the days of Brad, trying to convince doubts out of my mind, all the while growing more and more anxious. And before I know it I don't know how I really feel. Happiness and anxious depression mix--redefining the former.

Today

No work today.


Love my statistics class, except it is moving faster than I am.


Bought two (blue & red) Papermate Clear Point mechanical pencils, Shelton State window decal, and a new monthly planner.


Last full day of a peaceful empty house.


Got studying, cleaning, and napping to do today.

Life-Changing Quote #1

"A powerful mind is a mind that can take note of subtle changes and understand the implications of them."

Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D.

Brain Lock: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior

Seemingly shallow

I can't quite sum up the conflicting emotions that set up residence in my heart this evening and the anxiety provoking thoughts they accompany. I have a friend who I grow closer to every time we spend time together. He is much older than all my other friends and myself. He is a bit odd in this fact and in his personality. Tonight they didn't mesh. The impartial spectator might assume they did, but my reservations and insecurities tell another story. The very reason why so much weight is added to this inner conflict is that I am aware of and insecure of my feelings for him. Although grounded in friendship, I want it to be more. At the same time I fear the opinion and judgment of my close peers, in regards to him personally and our growing relationship. Nothing outright, but their subtle uneasiness in his presence signals their disapproval. Perhaps this only occurs in my mind as I seek to find validation through my friends. Nevertheless, this hinders my heart from relaxing so that I can successfully explore possibilities. Unwelcome intrusive obsessive thoughts take over almost with my knowing as my reservations and attraction strengthen.

Nursing Program Essential Functions

Auditory

1. Interpret monitoring devices
2. Distinguish muffled sounds heard through a stethoscope
3. Hear and discriminate high and low frequency sounds produced by the
   body and the environment
4. Effectively hear to communicate with others

All during grammar, middle, and high school I took those hearing and eye tests. And I failed every single hearing test. I began to dread these tests because I knew I would fail. I knew there was sound that I should be hearing that I wasn't. It wasn't until my sophomore year in high school was it recommended that I go and get a professional opinion. It so happened that a man that attended Sycamore church of Christ with me was the head guy over NIU's Speech-Language-Hearing Clinic. So he made sure that I got tested and even sat in on it to make sure everything went right. So my hearing loss was moderate in a particular speech frequency. Come to find out it explained why by 9pm every night I was completely wiped out and could barely finish my homework. I was using extra energy to compensate for what I couldn't hear so that I could understand what people were saying. We bought a state of the art Phonak Digitally Programmable In-the-Ear Hearing Aid that came with a handy dandy remote control. Life improved. I had more energy. I broke several and thankfully warranty (and extended warranties) helped cover me. When I moved to Alabama I got out of the habit of wearing hearing aids. For a long time they didn't sit in their air-tight container so they don't work as well having been exposed to moisture in the air. That may be another reason why I stopped wearing them.

In my anatomy and physiology class we did a lab that used a stethoscope. They weren't the nicest ones, but we took each other's blood pressure. Well, I couldn't hear it. But I could watch the dial and find out. When I told my lab partner I couldn't hear it because I had a hearing loss he said, "You have a hearing loss and you wanna be a nurse?" That was the first time it dawned on me that I might have a problem. I am certainly not disabled. I perform well in the classroom setting.

So this essential function form is the second one that a physician and I have to sign. And it bothers me. But I found this great site. Association of Medical Professionals with Hearing Losses. They have a good article about "How to Cope with Scopes" I am beginning to see that it is more than possible to be a great nurse and still have a hearing loss. Maybe I'll write a book about it!

The Aftermath of Dennis

1. Clean my room
2. Do laundry
3. Read
4. Write scholarship essay

This is the perfect day to get a lot of chores done. School is cancelled. I don't work. The only thing that may be going on is the "Life and Teachings of Christ" class. And hopefully that won't be cancelled because it isn't Dennis weather anymore.

Theoretically the first two items on my list should take no longer than two hours and by 12am my mind can be clear knowing I have clean clothes to wear and a clutter free room to live in. But ADD has already influenced my will and motivation to tackle this list. I am even procrastinating in finding my bottle of Ritalin that will aid in my productivity.

First, breakfast. Then, the list. Wish me luck.

Meaningful Quiz #23

You Are 53% American

Most times you are proud to be an American. Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home. You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

How American Are You?

Too many books

Last night after we (Dad, Emily, Micah, Rick, Me) watched Fantastic Four (which was fantastic!) Micah surprised me with my very own copy of The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. I was very excited, but the mountain of books that sit on my nightstand discouraged me. Here is a list of all the books I am "currently" reading:

1. "Brain Lock: Free Yourself From Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior" by Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D.
2. "He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
3. "Evidence That Demands a Verdict: Historical Evidences For the Christian Faith Volume 1" by Josh McDowell
4. "The Complete Idiots Guide to Personal Finance in Your 20s and 30s" by Sarah Young Fisher and Susan Shelley
5. "Christ or the Qur'an?" by Evertt L. Huffard
6. "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie
7. "Hard Sayings of Jesus" by F.F.Bruce
8. "Jesus: Lord and Savior" by F.F.Bruce

Now you see my dilemma. Nevertheless, I read the first three chapters last night. Quite interesting.

Froogle #1

Since I won't have a membership to the Rec Center this fall and I won't be able to afford paying for a gym membership I think I want to work out at home. I was watching an infomercial about Gunnar Peterson's Core Secrets and decided to go this route instead of the gym.

Peterson is widely recognized for his expertise in functional training, as well
as his commitment to developing and implementing innovative fitness techniques. His dynamic approach focuses on achieving long-term results through challenging
and constantly varied workouts. His continuing education in fitness trends and
training techniques reinforces the trust his clients have placed in him for more
than 15 years. Peterson has been featured in numerous major publications in
the U.S. and abroad, including Sports Illustrated, Cosmopolitan, Allure,
Glamour, In Style, Shape, Self, Men's Journal, Elle and USA Today. He has
authored and contributed to articles in a variety of publications. Recent
television appearances include E!, Fox Sports' "Best Damn Sports Show Period,"
"Entertainment Tonight," and "Sky Sports."Gunnar is certified by the
National Strength and Conditioning Association (C.S.C.S.) and the American
Council on Exercise (C.P.T.). He graduated from Duke University with a
concentration on physical fitness and psychology.

Off the Wagon

Well, Aunt Flow came to town, of course unexpected. And normally when she comes she just checks into the Red Roof Inn and barely bothers me. Well, this time I think I will award her the Dishonorable discharge from the Uterine Navy. Needless to say, my eating habits suffered. She had no respect for me trying to eat and live healthfully. Pain and mood swings were involved. She finally left yesterday, but now I am clamoring to climb back onto the wagon. Now other factors are involved with this struggle. I was rejected from Upper Division at UA. So now I will be going to Shelton's Nursing School. So that means I will have to go another year to obtain my Bachelor's degree: 6 years total. My parents want me to take out a loan and start paying for school myself. I don't have enough money to go grocery shopping so I will have to depend on my parents to buy specific foods for me. And this summer they have paid for a lot of extra stuff. And this Thursday is Dana's lingerie party that I am hosting and that is costing a fair amount of money. I have racked up $1500 on my credit card since I got it and I need to start paying that off. But will I let adversity come between me and my goals to lose weight and be healthy? Some days it seems like it.

In response to my sister

People are afraid of things they don't understand. Here's what I understand: everybody can benefit from learning how they think, how their thoughts affect their lives, and how to think better so being sad and depressed doesn't have such an affect on your relationships (friendships, boyfriends, sister, parents, etc.), schoolwork, and overall attitude. Here's what I know: depression runs in our family and whether or not you have it, you show signs of mild to moderate depression. If you started showeing signs of mild asthma and I told you I was concerned and you told your friends that I wanted you to get checked out and the doctor wanted you to carry an inhaler, would your friends tell you they think that wouldn't do any good? No! Why? Because your friends are familiar and comfortable with people with asthma. Its not too serious and they know several people with it. Now a person with asthma, do they always have asthma attacks? No. They don't always have an inhaler to their mouth. Its the same with depression. There are good days and weeks and there are bad. And these tapes are simply a way of helping you learn how to think better and have a stronger mind so that that nasty feeling doesn't creep into your heart and ruin things. So you can concentrate better. So your relationships are stronger. So you don't get as irritable with mom and dad. So you don't feel like the only source of happiness on a night stuck in the house is at the computer. And your friends don't think it will do any good? The thing is they are scared of the idea of depression and if someone isn't completely suicidal then you aren't depressed. I am here to tell you that depression lies in the smallest thought you have as soon as you wake up. It is involved with every reaction to every situation. Its not always crying your heart out. Its being irritable, its that nasty feeling, its not being excited about life, its feeling like not being with your boyfriend hurts too much, its having the hardest time getting out of bed. So a lot of people don't exactly know a lot about this. I am your sister. I am not here to shove an illness down your thoat. I love you and I have seen things ever since we moved down here. You may not be clinically depressed, but you are missing the sweetest parts of life because of you being sad and down a lot. So I see how it will help. For your friends tell them to look at this website and learn more about this: http://www.stresscenter.com/