Letting Go

I don't want to romanticize it and relish in the pain. I actually feel optimistic. Maybe only because we talked. Its imperative that I move on. Although, hope is something that naturally lives in my heart and takes quite some time to leave, living on the hope is another matter. This has to be my objective -- to not live on the hope that we will one day be together. I will miss out on a blessed friendship if I don't move on. The days have been better. Not really depressed. Just missing him. But I can get distracted and get my mind away. I am getting better at not indulging in the fantasies of my heart.

But I still think he's stupid.

Katrina on her way!

Rick owns a book called "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene. He always recommended it to me. Micah was at first intrigued with it but then decided it was a horrible book because of the mind games it encouraged the seducer to engage in to break down a person. Well, I picked it up the other day and started reading it. Even if Rick didn't intentionally "seduce" me he still left me vulnerable to his actions and words. I think it is safe to say that he wants a challenge. After all his talk about "nice" guys or girls not getting the girl or guy and them making it too easy, I think I know what I need to do.

Sunday Afternoon

I know that I can get over him. I know there are other guys out there that will catch my fancy the way that he did. But I don't want anyone else. Even if another person is better. I know this must sound like irrationality due to a broken heart, but I can't honestly remember feeling that way before. With Brad I just wanted the pain to go away. I always held onto hope that it would work somewhere down the line, but I knew there had to be better. When it ended with Jerry I was more assured that I would find someone that would be right for me. I guess because after Brad I hadn't found anyone that I truly liked and wanted to be with. And Jerry's presence in my life for that month gave me hope. There are guys out there that aren't as quirky or anxious or weird as Rick. But I don't want "better." I can't emphasize this enough. Being with him felt right. And other people could tell this too. Despite this entry, I am working on moving on. But I don't think I will lose hope for a long while. Right now I am going forward with my life to protect my heart and so I can get through nursing school. I am more important right now. But not only do I miss a wonderful guy that I fell in love with, but I miss my best friend. The relationship we had was like none other than we had ever experienced before. So special. I miss it. I miss him.

Don't Analyze

I went the library today and started looking for books about playing hard to get. I found The Rules and The Rules II written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. In the second books I read the part about applying the rules to a guy friend and it discussed whether your guy friend was interested in you or not. He isn't if he talks about other girls and solicits you for women advice because he really wants it. He would still have your back and call and care about you. He would be jealous if you dated someone but just as a girlfriend would. But the main thing is that he doesn't feel that spark. It said the only way that a guy friend would become more was if he was interested you from the beginning (more than a friend) but something prevented it from working out at the time.

Ugh. There is no hope. I was wrong the ENTIRE time. This hurts.

2 Hours of Sleep & 7 Hours of Clinicals

He must have gotten advice for Jason or something to back off. What else would explain his not calling, ignoring me, etc. Grr. Once again he has control. This makes me feel angry and desperate. I want to ask him if this is the case. And I want to get mad at him for not even telling me. I mean how is our friendship not "on the line" when he doesn't communicate and avoid me. I miss him terribly. I hate how he makes me feel vulnerable. He won't miss me if he already decided to back off. Our friendship feels like it is ending. It's too complicated. Dear God, please let him miss me as much as I do now. Help me to move on so that we can salvage some type of friendship. My heart is heavy. Thank-you for the comfort and guidance you have given me through loved ones. Please strengthen me so I can excel in the nursing program, that the pain doesn't hinder my progress. I don't think I can or want to cut him off completely. But something needs to change. That was the purpose of my letter yesterday. But he must have been thinking the same thing because he didn't sound too surprised after reading it. Was I supposed to read his mind and not be confused and hurt? I want to channel this huge waste of energy into nursing. I want to be active, hopefully be an Alabama officer. I want to pass my classes with flying colors. But right now I'm not all excited and motivated. I want to make at least the Dean's list shooting for the President's List. I want to receive the Nightingale Aware. Nevertheless, I need peace. This boy situation needs a solution and a resolution.

And so it goes...

I don't have the heart to write anything. I'm not happy. My mind is obsessing about Rick and the pain and a difficult decision. My mind is temporarily freed. I mean its still there bearing down, but its not gnawing at my heart. Rick, you have ruined the sanctuary in my heart because I shared that room with you. You cannot have this heart to break. I do not choose to be with you.

Messy

Nursing school is overwhelming. What if I can't hack it? I'm not happy. I have started to resent Rick. I feel inadequate because he doesn't return romantic love for me, but he can surely lead me on. What with his gleam in his eyes when he talks to me and his hugs and the things he says. A couple people are convinced that we will get married one day. Another friend just doesn't understand him at all. I indulged in hope this past week when I confided in yet another friend and told the Rick saga.
My room is a mess.
My car is a mess.
My mind is a mess.
My heart is a mess.

Meaningful Quiz #25

You are Proverbs.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Literary Advances

I finished Harry Potter today. Although, I knew Dumbledore died it was still devastating to witness. And I feel so bad for Harry. I wish him and Ginny could just stay together and they live out their last year at Hogwarts peaceably then go on to get married and live happy wizarding lives with Hermione and Ron. They could even live next door to each other and raise their kids together. I know that’s what Harry wants deep down – a family.

I started on How to Study the New Testament Effectively by Guy N. Woods. I never knew Mr. Woods had such a beautiful writing style. I think this book will really answer my questions and guide me in the right and fruitful direction of really studying the Bible. I recommend this book to anyone who opens the bible at least once a week yearning to know God. He doesn’t just simply lay out a studying method, he makes ties to studying effectively and being able to teach others. I am already a third of the way into this magnificent book. Click here for a book review.

He's Gone

Before he left church he said, "I'll give you a holler before I leave." I watched him say bye to several folks and drive off (to his apartment). I called him and said, "I don't even get to give you a hug bye?" So I stopped by his apartment before heading to work. As I closed the door to his apartment he took me in his arms saying, "Come here baby" in that voice he sometimes uses. And we stood there hugging and holding each other. In the embrace he told me he would miss me and to not get into any "supercilious debauchery." I told him I wouldn't but I would be tempted. We laughed. He gave me his mailbox key and I suggested he just leave the apartment key in there instead of mailing it to me when he got home. After walking around the apartment showing me what he was and wasn't taking home and encouraging me to use the apartment (hang out, relax, watch some movies, etc), we hugged once more and I left. My heart sank as I walked out and drove away.
Two weeks.
Two long weeks.
I think I'll read some and run some.

"Count it all joy..."

Sometimes I wonder if I am making a mistake loving him. If only it would stay like this forever. But one day he will leave and I will have to stop and recover from his absence. Alas, this is more than a year down the road. December 2006. That is if he sticks with library science. I am totally at the mercy of God. I don't have control. This is why God put him in my life -- to show me I never did.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart...

Jeremiah 29:11-13

Poem

The crickets, their noise
The silence, her stillness
into a heart of poise
dim light and darkness

Rejection followed hope
and closely after me,
finally nailing it down
my heart, still as the sea

Crashing and undulating
never to rest
the mind, the heart
recognizing the best

The lonely crickets still sound
their syncopated song
swirling it all around
what they knew all along

Wake me up when September ends

My love for him justs busts out of me. I am afraid to admit that I need him. I want to marry him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Its not eating my heart out that we are just friends -- as long as he never leaves and continues to need me. Does he favor John Marcher -- for there is always hope?

Summer class ended today. It ends tomorrow for Rick. He goes home on Saturday. It will only be two weeks, but I will miss him terribly. And it just reminds me of when he will leave for good to pursue higher education at a different institution.

New Song Download #1

I couldn't resist. I downloaded Al Green's "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" from the "Let's Stay Together" album. There is another version of this song from his concert at Tokyo, but that one is 1/3 the length of the studio recording. It was a $0.99 well spent. I remember when I first heard that song. Music can really dig into your soul and make it quiver.

Short Stories & Novellas

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Henry James' novella, "Beast in the Jungle." I picture Rick as John Marcher and me as May Bartram. So I "warned" Rick by referring him to this story. A similar story was brought to my attention: "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" by Leo Tolstoy. I will be reading it later on this week. I have an affinity for short stories and novellas. Perhaps it is their quick lasting epiphanic bursts that stay with me and come back years later to my remembrance. Last night I was perusing the fiction shelves at Books A Million and I was reminded of the fiction or Laura Ingles Wilder and Cynthia Voigt that initially ignited my love for reading. I need to read those books again.

Beast in the Jungle
The Death of Ivan Ilyich

White-Bread Wednesday

Leigh and I made a grand attempt to study for our statistics test (which was thankfully postponed) on Monday. By 4pm (we had been studying since 1pm) we were distracted by a website that is a great aid to Weight Watcher participants. So to kill time I scheduled an appointment to get my shots for school and I stopped by Friends of the Library and purchased some books!

1. "In a Different Voice" by Carol Gilligan
2. "mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis
3. "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller
4. "Somewhere in Time" by Richard Matheson
5. "In Cold Blood" by Truman Capote
6. "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten" by Robert Fulghum
7. "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns, M.D.

Total: $4.00

Perfect Love

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says, "No, not until you're satisified and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone."

I love you, My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or belongings."

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait."

Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I have to show you."

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is perfect love."

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you. I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied."

~Author Unknown~

Emotional Clarity

I showed Rick yesterday's Six Flag Exhuastion post. It was very hard to do. I left the library and sat outside while he read it. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next. My heart oozed and ached. He came outside with all of our things and touched my arm saying, "Let's go to the car for privacy." I think somewhere lost in the mix of apprehension and a broken heart, I hoped he was going to kiss me and return the feelings. A split second moment of hope. Anyways no real resolution was reached. I could have been crying about some other guy I was in love with -- that's how he reacted. He knew I was hurting and wanted to comfort me. Odd, I know. He told me how he felt. He loves me. I'm his best friend. He would do anything for me. The chemistry isn't there. Yet, he felt it when he first saw me and one other time. Never really said there wasn't hope for something later, just sounded negative. He is willing to do anything to help me deal with this, including cutting off communication, but reassured me that that would indeed hurt him (contrary to what I may have been thinking). All during the painful confession he was touching me in some way and when I really started crying he took me in his arms.

I honestly have no clue what to do. I don't hurt right now, though. Maybe it was getting it out of my system to really talk about it with him. Talking with Dana also helped. I've enjoyed some personal alone time tonight. I've enjoyed it. Tomorrow is another day.

How To Marry the Man of Your Choice: Introduction

1. You don't have to stay single.
2. This book is designed for the woman who wants to have a man fall in love with her and marry her, but whose skills in obtaining the man she wants are inadequate.
3. Bitchy women succeed with men because they make men believe that they are superior women, and that a man is lucky to have them.
4. When a man contemplates marriage to a specific woman, he evaluates her as a prospective wife.
5. Do not waste your emotions on a man until you determine that he is worthy of you.
6. Recognize that you are a worthwhile individual.
7. Be yourself, but be yourself at your best.
8. The woman must evaluate herself against her competitors. To be successful with her man, she must know what she has to offer and be able to tell the man.
9. At numerous points throughout this book, I urge the woman to remain silent, to encourage the man to talk. This is not meekness or coyness, but an important manipulative principle.
10. The man you are seeking can be yours, but only if you take the initiative.
11. Don't expect the man of your dreams to appear on your doorstep without any effort on your part.
12. Love is too important to be left to happenstance. Don't expect magic...If you want anything else in life, you know you need to work for it...
13. Continue the strategy only on the man you want.
14. There is usually a large gap between what men do and what they say they do...go by behavior instead.
15. You need to recognize when you are succeeding, especially when the man's behavior is fluctuating.
16. Praise and criticism are a part of daily life, and essential for the person you are considering as a prospective spouse.
17. Apply these strategies in your own personal situation.
18. Develop your own action plan to personalize the marriage strategy.

--Margaret Kent

Six-Flags exhaustion

I can barely concentrate. I'm in class. If I had gone to class last Thursday I might have a better idea of what the teacher is talking about. I'm also glancing at my 13 point list of things that need to be done, preferably, today. But through all this, Rick is stayed on my mind. Last night in my delirium of exhaustion, my guard was down. More than ever I wanted to jump in his lap and kiss him. I felt happy and at home with him. I wanted to be completely surrounded by him -- nestled in his strong arms and buried in his love -- peace. After falling asleep, I lumbered over to his bed and snuggled next to him. I can't describe the reaction my heart has when I recall this. Being denied all of Rick, wanting him completely, and lost in the mix of our friendship, unable to share this passion and mystery in my heart -- brings tears to my eyes and deep sighs expel from the delicious pain that poisons my heart. What do I do? God has put someone very special in my life who has awoken a part of me that has been dormant since Brad. An answer to the numerous prayers asking and pleading to find someone I can love without doubt and share my life with. Do I wait until August 22 when nursing school starts so I can escape in my studies and "get it out of my system?" But I don't want it out of my system. Hope is what gets me out of bed in the morning when I hope for the future, but hope for love returned is what sets fire to my days. Hope for him to open his eyes and see what is standing in front of him is what I have, but it is what I fear will truly obliterate my heart. For, I could have it completely wrong and I will have wasted my heart and emotions on someone who is worth it, but..."I don't want to wait in vain for your love." But after the fall semester he may leave and the intensity of our friendship will also leave. It will be smothered by distance and new preoccupations. So making the most of this semester is very important to me. The only change I see that needs to me made now is to alter my prayers:

"Dear God, please show me if there is hope to be invested for a relationship beyond friendship with this man that You blessed my life with. Help me to maintain a healthy mindset as our friendship progresses and to keep my priorities in line. Thank-you for your blessings. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."